Sunday, 1 November 2015

This pain is unbearable

Hello. I have not written in my blog for a while. I didn't feel like writing anything really.

I have had soo much pain in my right leg. They have disvovered a metastasis in my bone in my butt. I dont know what that bone is called. Anyway, it pushes and stretches some nerves that just makes it unbearable.

And OxyNorm does not work well against that sort of pain. So they have given me metadon, and the oxynorm is supposed to back up this metadon some how. Still on a very small dose of metadone.

The pain is worst during the day. And later around 18 o clock it feels better.
And since it is nerves that is being squeezed and pushed or pulled or whatever. I imagine that there is a position I can find to ease the pain. So I move around in different positions, and moan and whine about the pain. 

Suddenly I find a position that feels Ok. But I can't sit like that forever. I need to go to the bathroom or somerhing else important.

Also, I am worried. Often. When the doctors where here. I got two shots of morphine, or maybe is was ordinary oxynorm. But it wasn't very effective. And my pain is so unreliable. The pain might have been eased even if I didn't get those shots. I don't know. For real, I don't know at all.

Instead I got a pressure over my chest. And it hurt. They said it was a panic attack, anxiety attack or something. I thought it was a little strange. I thought it was the morphine shot. Because it started just during the time she was injecting it.

The nurse insisted that it was a good thing to sit down and just talk for a while. And we did, and I felt like bursting into tears and just let everything out. But I held it back. Some tears came out that I tried to hide.

It took 15-20 minutes to get that pressure on my chest to go away. II don't remember what we talked about. But ofcourse all this talk about moving to my hometown, is stressful. And how to plan the future basically, it is all things to prepare me for death.

And ofcourses, it is probably not strange at all that I get these anxiety panic attacks. Or what is it. Most of the time I don't feel very afraid,  and I think about death quiet rarely. But when I do, I never get that pressure on my chest. I just feel a little bit scared of afraid for a while. And then I forget about it.

Another thing is.. I just bought a Wii Fit U. For a bargain price! I looked forward to use it every day. And also taking small walks with the little step counter that you get with it. Weighing in Simson, my cat, everyday. I cannot do the heavy excercises. I can only do some of the easier ones. And then jogging and bicycling. But it was enough for me 20-30 minutes every day. I was completly weary and exhausted after that, sweat was litterary dripping from my forehead. My fitness is really that bad, even the easiest excercises makes me exhausted.

But back to the point I wanted to make. It is sad now that I can't use it because of this tumour in my butt. I can't stand up for more than a couple of minutes. Then I need to get back to the couch again. To the place I have been sitting on so much that it has been shaped like my body. No need for expensive tempura matresses :P

I did use the Wii Fit U anyway, the times when my leg feels better. Baucause it seems to be random. But afterwards, or the day after, the pain is back except 10 times worse. I think it was the excercise. So I have not used it more than 3 or 4 times.

And then we made some homemade Sushi with my mother.
I wanted to make it for her. but it was difficult, she wanted to "help", usually meaning "doing everything". I remember when I was a kid and I wanted to help but got the response "You're only in the way" or "*sigh* he thinks he knows things because he had cooking classes in school..." and other uplifting comments from them. Now You're in the my way you see, I want to prepare food for you, you should be thankful instead. But I really tried holding back my frustrations and let her do everything she wanted to.

It is the same thing with dad. I want to make something for them. They help me so much all the time with everything. I want to give something back. I want to make food for them. But then they're standing behind my back looking at what I do, and tell me how to do things. And I get irritated and angry, and then he says "But I only want to help"... And I respond, "You're not helping you're only in the way".. He told me how to boil rice, even tough I've boiled rice 100 times and maybe it has failed a few times, but most of the times it has been good. I don't want any alternative method. My dad always says "It is much better if you do it this way..." ... But My way has always worked well enough for me, so I don't see the problem. *sigh*
But he is sooo stubbord, "I just want to show you" , And I just want to shout "Go for fuck sake and sit down and wait til I am done". I am doing something for YOU, to thank for for all the things you help me with, drive me everywhere and do all these things for me. But neither dad or mom can take anything from me, they don't want anything back. And it just makes me feel so damn spoiled. I really don't want to live anymore sometimes.

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