Älskade Daniel

Vår bästa och älskade Daniel har idag fått somna in lugnt och stilla. Älskad saknad för alltid.

Replaced my Neato Signature Pro with a BotVac D85

After my third faulty Signature Pro, I told the store I wanted to have my money back. And I decided to get a Neato BotVac D85 instead.

I still believe this is a good brand of robotic vacuum cleaners. So far the BotVac D85 has been working fine. And I really hope it will keep doing that.

It has cleaned my apartment once or twice without a single stop. The times it has stopped it has been my own fault, forgetting a cable on the floor or something like that.

Mario Maker Morning

I did not have so much pain this night.  But I did go to sleep very late. I stayed up til 3 and played Mario Maker I think :)

I love this game. I  hope they come with an update with added features. Or maybe a Mario Maker 2 :D With even more features.

I was thinking of continuing playing SOMA yesterday. But I lost all motivation

Not much to say

Have not had an update for a while. Don't have much to say... Nope.

Visit from doctor and homemade sushi

The doctor came over to visit today..

I made some sushi again. Today with some mayonaese and leek. The rice got a little bit overboiled but it was ok...

It is one of those things that I want to cook and share with someone, my friends maybe. Ih wait no. Hahaha, forget what I said. My father for instance But my father is so... "I want to help",   and I tell him to keep away you're not helping you're in the way. EXCACTLY what my parents always said to me when I was a child and wated to help them.

When my father helps me to cook he takes over and leaves no room. He might say, "do this do that instead it is much better" even though he has never ever done that before and he coments "arent you going to put salt in that" because absolutely evertyrhing needs to be extrasalted, and all of a sudden you're the one standing there watching him make the food for you.

Makes me sad. Very very sad. I am always like that. I have no "power" to take control. If I tell my father "No, I am doing this, keep away", he is going to say "Huh, so I can't even help".. very dissapointed.

People have always told me that I am being too nice. Lately I have been thinkin, I am not going to be "too nice anymore". I am deliberetly going to be mean, because that is what they ask for isn't it. The response have always been negative. So this "you're being too nice" is kind of bullshit talk. Keep being "too nice", they do not want the alternative, they're being stupid if they think so.

I have had problems all day. Pain in my butt. Plopping ear when I eat. Bad eye sight. Bad hearing. Pain in my ass. I feel down.

This pain is unbearable

Hello. I have not written in my blog for a while. I didn't feel like writing anything really.

I have had soo much pain in my right leg. They have disvovered a metastasis in my bone in my butt. I dont know what that bone is called. Anyway, it pushes and stretches some nerves that just makes it unbearable.

And OxyNorm does not work well against that sort of pain. So they have given me metadon, and the oxynorm is supposed to back up this metadon some how. Still on a very small dose of metadone.

The pain is worst during the day. And later around 18 o clock it feels better.

And since it is nerves that is being squeezed and pushed or pulled or whatever. I imagine that there is a position I can find to ease the pain. So I move around in different positions, and moan and whine about the pain. 

Suddenly I find a position that feels Ok. But I can't sit like that forever. I need to go to the bathroom or somerhing else important.

Also, I am worried. Often. When the doctors where here. I got two shots of morphine, or maybe is was ordinary oxynorm. But it wasn't very effective. And my pain is so unreliable. The pain might have been eased even if I didn't get those shots. I don't know. For real, I don't know at all.

Instead I got a pressure over my chest. And it hurt. They said it was a panic attack, anxiety attack or something. I thought it was a little strange. I thought it was the morphine shot. Because it started just during the time she was injecting it.

The nurse insisted that it was a good thing to sit down and just talk for a while. And we did, and I felt like bursting into tears and just let everything out. But I held it back. Some tears came out that I tried to hide.

It took 15-20 minutes to get that pressure on my chest to go away. II don't remember what we talked about. But ofcourse all this talk about moving to my hometown, is stressful. And how to plan the future basically, it is all things to prepare me for death.

And ofcourses, it is probably not strange at all that I get these anxiety panic attacks. Or what is it. Most of the time I don't feel very afraid,  and I think about death quiet rarely. But when I do, I never get that pressure on my chest. I just feel a little bit scared of afraid for a while. And then I forget about it.

Another thing is.. I just bought a Wii Fit U. For a bargain price! I looked forward to use it every day. And also taking small walks with the little step counter that you get with it. Weighing in Simson, my cat, everyday. I cannot do the heavy excercises. I can only do some of the easier ones. And then jogging and bicycling. But it was enough for me 20-30 minutes every day. I was completly weary and exhausted after that, sweat was litterary dripping from my forehead. My fitness is really that bad, even the easiest excercises makes me exhausted.

But back to the point I wanted to make. It is sad now that I can't use it because of this tumour in my butt. I can't stand up for more than a couple of minutes. Then I need to get back to the couch again. To the place I have been sitting on so much that it has been shaped like my body. No need for expensive tempura matresses :P

I did use the Wii Fit U anyway, the times when my leg feels better. Baucause it seems to be random. But afterwards, or the day after, the pain is back except 10 times worse. I think it was the excercise. So I have not used it more than 3 or 4 times.

And then we made some homemade Sushi with my mother.

I wanted to make it for her. but it was difficult, she wanted to "help", usually meaning "doing everything". I remember when I was a kid and I wanted to help but got the response "You're only in the way" or "*sigh* he thinks he knows things because he had cooking classes in school..." and other uplifting comments from them. Now You're in the my way you see, I want to prepare food for you, you should be thankful instead. But I really tried holding back my frustrations and let her do everything she wanted to.

It is the same thing with dad. I want to make something for them. They help me so much all the time with everything. I want to give something back. I want to make food for them. But then they're standing behind my back looking at what I do, and tell me how to do things. And I get irritated and angry, and then he says "But I only want to help"... And I respond, "You're not helping you're only in the way".. He told me how to boil rice, even tough I've boiled rice 100 times and maybe it has failed a few times, but most of the times it has been good. I don't want any alternative method. My dad always says "It is much better if you do it this way..." ... But My way has always worked well enough for me, so I don't see the problem. *sigh*
But he is sooo stubbord, "I just want to show you" , And I just want to shout "Go for fuck sake and sit down and wait til I am done". I am doing something for YOU, to thank for for all the things you help me with, drive me everywhere and do all these things for me. But neither dad or mom can take anything from me, they don't want anything back. And it just makes me feel so damn spoiled. I really don't want to live anymore sometimes.

Mario Maker and Rocksmith

I got a new coin in Mario Maker, I still think that game is really really fun. I love it. But the more I play it,  the more functionality I want. 

I want to do things I could do in Little Big Planet. Have different triggers for things. For example if I kill bowser, it blows up some blocks so that I can continue moving forward on the level.. Things like that, Not maybe things you could to in Mario games really. But You could read signs I remember from Super Mario World.

Maybe they're sticking to what you could do in the real mario games.

I have seen things that others do that I have no idea how to do.

Anyway, the new coin let me upload 20 levels instead of 10. 

So right now I have uploaded 18 levels. Some of them might be too difficult.

I also started playing Smoke on the Water on Rocksmith. It is a fun song. And that famous riff is kind of easy. I need to keep repeating in often, 

like with everything else ofcourse. 

But it is a really fun song to play.