Visit from doctor and homemade sushi

The doctor came over to visit today..

I made some sushi again. Today with some mayonaese and leek. The rice got a little bit overboiled but it was ok...

It is one of those things that I want to cook and share with someone, my friends maybe. Ih wait no. Hahaha, forget what I said. My father for instance But my father is so... "I want to help",   and I tell him to keep away you're not helping you're in the way. EXCACTLY what my parents always said to me when I was a child and wated to help them.

When my father helps me to cook he takes over and leaves no room. He might say, "do this do that instead it is much better" even though he has never ever done that before and he coments "arent you going to put salt in that" because absolutely evertyrhing needs to be extrasalted, and all of a sudden you're the one standing there watching him make the food for you.

Makes me sad. Very very sad. I am always like that. I have no "power" to take control. If I tell my father "No, I am doing this, keep away", he is going to say "Huh, so I can't even help".. very dissapointed.

People have always told me that I am being too nice. Lately I have been thinkin, I am not going to be "too nice anymore". I am deliberetly going to be mean, because that is what they ask for isn't it. The response have always been negative. So this "you're being too nice" is kind of bullshit talk. Keep being "too nice", they do not want the alternative, they're being stupid if they think so.

I have had problems all day. Pain in my butt. Plopping ear when I eat. Bad eye sight. Bad hearing. Pain in my ass. I feel down.

Breakfast and Mario Maker

Games and food is really not a good combination. Either you eat your food and just watch the boring title screen.

Or you play and your coffee gets cold and your sandwhiches dry.

If I do both, my controllers gets greasy.

I need to find out a good way to do both.

I have already reheated my coffee once. Hope it is not one of those days where I still have a little bit of morning coffee left till the evening.

Morning games and breakfast

I went up early. And I just want to say that. Compared to nighttime, in the morning I usually feel very well.

My Neato vacuum cleaner is going around cleaning while I eat. It got stuck on one of the door thresholds (steps?) once.

I started Fantasy Life for DS. But I feel that my brain is not really 100% awake yet.

I was reading the dialog in the game, and my brain just went into sleep mode inte the middle of it and kept making up what they were talking about. At one point I got a large wooden sword in the game... Then I opened my eyes and shook my head to wake up. And ofcourse there was no wooden sword. Things like that happening all the time.

I will have some coffee now and play again later when I feel more awake.

Homemade sushi (no fish)

I made sushi today. I bought a kit from Blue Dragon that had most of the stuff you need, sushi rice ("boil in bag"), a little wasabi, a little soy sauce, sushi vinegar ("Sushi Su"), a bamboo mat for rolling and nori sheets. Then I bought miso-soup that you just mix with hot water.

But I didn't use any fish or other meat. I don’t know how to prepare that. I've heard that you can buy prepared, cut up pieces of sushi fish in the charcuterie in the store if you ask for it. I might do that sometime. I am not quite confident in preparing raw sushi fish myself, I think that needs to be done by an expert. But, I do like sushi without any meat at all as well.

I only used vegetables. Cucumber, carrot and avocado. I would like to do the "sauce" that you get in some rolls. I like them the most, but I forgot to look up a recipe and buy the ingredients for that. I think it is only mayonnaise and leek, maybe something more. Not quite sure. But the ones I did with just the vegetables was really successful anyway.

I did not know that sushi rice had a special rice vinegar in it. I think it is called "Sushi Su". I got the rice in special "boil-in-bags". They were very practical, because no rice got stuck in the pan after. Making it easier to clean.

....I looked at Blue Dragon's website. And notice that they have "boil in bag" sushi rice that you can buy. It was very convenient. Even if they were prepared in bags, I did wash the rice thoroughly before boiling it.

I also got good use of my fine bowls I bought in Japan :)

I especially like the little kitten bowls for wasabi and/or soy sauce.

I thought it was going to be difficult to roll these. But it was actually quite easy.

I always have it so difficult to roll other things, like when making cinnamon buns or other rolled things. I tried making candy canes once, it was extremely difficult. But rolling sushi, I think they are called California rolls was surprisingly easy.

But now I will eat.

Cosy Simson and food and my ear

While writing my whiny post later. Which probably took hours. Simson was a little bit more cuddly than usual.

I also made food. I thought I used so little of everyrhing. But for some reason, I always end up with food for two days. Or three days sometimes.

My left ear worries me.

When I chew I can now feel my ear squishing so it affects my hearing. I also had a little blood coming out. But of course I cant keep my fingers out there so. I am afraid Ill get deaf on that side. :( 

No. I need to eat. My food is getting cold.. 

Shopping round, TP cables, icecream Sushi Etc.

So  I went on a shopping round. No matter how tired I was. I needed an extensioncoord for my headphones. They are way too short. And always pop out when I move a little. Irritating.

Also bought 40meter of TP cable to see if any of the other phone jacks works better with my ADSL. 0.5mbit upload is unbearable. ADSL modem is supposed to be in the first teleplug. And I rhink it is according to how it looks wired on the inside. But there is a mess of wires. Sp I am not completly sure. I do remember tjat it didn't matter which plug you used as long as therr were no other phones attached. And I have no other phones. The phone I have is connected to the ADSL modem (IP-telephone I assume). But there has to be something wrong. I have never had 0.5mbit upload speed. And when I am uploading it strangles the entire line (no duplex?). I hate having cables all across my apartment. But if it works well. I Hope I can attach it to the wall corners and that 40meters is enough.

Also bought sushi from another place this time. I liked this place much better. More ginger. They also has nice shopsticks that I bought.

Bought more tiramisu icecream. And some other stuff.

I was looking at the Lego Mindstorms set. It looks like fun. But I think it is a little bit too expensive. And for some reason it seems more difficult to get extra parts now than when it was new. Motors and sensors and things like that.
Anyway. Can't decide if I want that or a PS4 mgs5 special edition. Or a new fancy more expensive oscilloscope. I just know. I never going to spend much time with it.

And I need weeks or months on things like that. And I often worry that I dont have months to stay this healthy. I worry alot. And it sometimes brings me to tears. That there is all these stuff that I want to do. But I don't know when my life is going to be taken away from me.

The more I think about that game I want to make. The more imposssible it seems to be realised. Same thing with my electronics projects. Maybe I am stupid and expecting things to just work for me without any struggle or problems arriving along the way. Maybe I just want things to run smoothly for me.

Like with my objparser program. I got it to a state where it can read data and render it. And it works fine. But then I look at the specs on the OBJ format. And there are soo many things that it can hold. And I wish I could make it so that it can handle everyrhing

And then I dont know how to make things animate in 3d games. Do they really program the skeleton stuff and everyhing. Using 100's of models to animate like you would do if it was in 2d seems "wrong" when working with 3d.. how can I possibly write a program for movement. It has to be really simple... and I never got a good grip on collition detection. Not even in 2d games.... oh so much work.

Fika at the hospital

I needed some sugar I think.

And coffee.

Need a napkin. Forgot.

Bought Sushi today and rembering my Japan trip

Ordered sushi today from a new place I never been at before. Seems to be too few sushi places in Jönköping.

Hmm :/ A little tight on ginger I think. Not too happy because of that. Want more ginger with my sushi. Otherwise. Looks good. Have not eaten sushi for a long time. :þ

So sad to hear about all the bad things happening in Japan recently, the recent flood and the nuclear plant accident. I really like Japan. Hope everything will be OK for them.

I was in Japan last year. Wish I had eaten sushi more often. I love it. But Tempura is probably my favorite. I read that tempura is originally from Portugal? I think I read that somewhere.

I ate at Premium Sushi in Diver City in Tokyo.

This is where I ate. (Not my photo, hope I can borrow it :))

That was really cool! We sat in a stall, very private and comfortable. With an iPad (Don't remember if it was an apple or other brand) where we choose what to order. So we started with two beers. And we got two pink plates for the beers. First we didn't understand what they were for. But we found out later.

Four pink plates for two large beers

And i ordered this tempura(?) sushi, It was delicious :D

We were there quite early so they hadn't opened yet, we were the first to come in. We had our beers ofcourse. and we waited for a short while til food started to come on the conveyor belt, you just picked the ones you wanted. That is a quite common way to eat sushi, I think most people are aware of that by now. We even have places like that in Sweden.
But the special thing was the iPad where you could make custom orders, and then above the conveyor belt was another track where a mini Shinkansen came to deliver your special order. And then you pushed a button to send it back to the kitchen. Very fun place to eat at :)

Mini Shinkansen special order (Not my photo)

In the end they had a scanner which they used to scan the pile of plates. Every plate had a different colour, each colour meaning a certain price.

Some of the best food I ate in Japan was probably that large sweet fried tempura shrimp I bought in Kyoto, it was fantastic. I got a nosebleed. I am not used to sitting down at the floor eating.

But it would be cool to have a Japanese style house. I always thought they looked so cosy. And everything is small and practical. And those rice mats, I think they're called tatami is very very soft to walk and sit on. I would like to have that too. Seems to be very expensive though.

I've heard sometime that it is good for you to sit on the floor. Because it is a little bit more heavy when you want to stand up and go away. With the health I am at the moment, I can hardly get up from a normal height couch. It would be good to sit on the floor and get up. You get more training that way :)

However, a little bit confusing with the doors I remember. At the hostel I stayed at in Kyoto. I went down to get the WiFi code. And when I was going back to my room, but I forget where the door upstairs was. I was confused. Everything looked like a door or a wall. I went the wrong way, and into the private place where the counter is. And then I went back out, someone was looking at me probably wondering what I was doing because I was going round and round looking really confused. Everything looked like walls, where were the doors I thought. Then I tried another door, and someone shouted "No! that’s the girls room!". But where the heck did I come from? It was the hidden door just next to it :)

Bored

I have been really bored.

I can't break my record in blitzkrieg bop in rocksmith. My left arm also feels weak and not as active as before. Maybe the tumour is eating away my muscles. Before I could feel a muscle under my arm, in my armpit almost. They moves that muscle a little during the operation. I could flex it before so that a I could feel it. I cant do that as much anymore. Making my left arm very weak.

I think my dad got some voluntary dyslexia. He always mispronounces a word that he is not familiar with. Like "tiramisu" becomes "timarisu" or something like that. But it is completly unecessary. He can read, but it is something new to him so he have to get the letters backwards, it's just programmed into his brain, to make it sound "fun" or something. So that he can express that it is something new and ridiculous for him.

Now I also wants some icecream.

I was sitting at my computer. And found some stuff todo. I tested some new games that I got with humble bundle. Then I played some with deepdream. But then homecare came in and forced me back to the tv room where I have been all day already, getting my last bag of food. Getting me extra bored. I took a temesta for no reason. I know it's gonna make me tired. I am just so bored and depressed now.

I was trting to talk to some friends online. But as i expected. It is sleeping time foe them now, 19.45...

Everything is just so boring.

Maybe check if there's something to watch on netflix.

Didn't eat much today

I am trying this homemade jam :)

I'm not sure I got enough calories today. But I did eat breakfast and lunch.

I've slept again. I don't remember when I started sleeping. I usually try to stay awake during the day. But now it has been impossible.

Also, nobody seems to know why I got swollen feet. And pain in my legs in the morning. One theory could be that I've eaten a little bit too much unhealthy food.

I don't like that I am so tired an sleep so much during the day. My entire day feels wasted. Even though I've slept, I still am tired enough to sleep tonight I think. It was the same yesterday.

Strange night sleep

So, I got all the medecine I need yesterday. I was not really in a good condition to drive. I was too tired.
I went to Mediamarkt to look for a new SD Cardreader and a usb cable for my cellphone. But it was closed, I was there around 20:45 


I feel I can fall asleep any moment now,

Anyway, I made breakfast. This morning.

**but I fell asleep while writing**

Feels like I must have slept for about 30-45minutes. My tea is cold. But the sandwishes was still soft and taste good.

When I woke up tonight, I had a really bad pain in my knees. I couldn't understand why my knees hurt.

**fell asleep again**

Anyway, I took some painkillers for the knees, OxyNorm and Alvedon, and I think that worked. But it took some time.

But I woke up often this night anyway, the only difference from the other night is that I got Temesta and sleeping pills again. So if I wake up I take Temesta and fall asleep get really tired.
The few times I did wake up this night, I was so tired and dizzy I really had no problem going back to sleep. Unless I felt afraid or was anxious for some reason.

I have only eaten one of the sandwishes so far. This blogpost takes forever to write when I keep falling asleep like this all the time. I cannot concentrate on one thing, if I get tired and foggy in my mind.

My Neato stopped again with the message "Paused", So I just started it again by pressing resume. But it shouldn't be like that. It stopped again close to the place it always stops at....

** fell asleep again **

I think I need to eat my breakfast now. It is boring and it takes hours to write a short bloogpost like this if I am going to keep falling asleep. I even forgot what I originally wanted to write about.

I had something on my mind, but it is long gone,

Another thing I noticed this morning was that my feet are very swollen. I should keep them high the nurse said. So I will do that, and watch an anime. Cobra.
But I'll bet I can't see the whole thing, I will fall asleep.

And I got millions of flies in my apartment now, just when I am out of Raid.

My dad called and said he was coming to me today, I had no idea about that. Apperently we hade talked about him coming to me on tuesday he said.

......I can't stay awake for another second...

Neato, found stuff and more medicine

I finally found my SD Cardreader. It had just fell down and was hidden under a cable. I spent so much time looking for it.

I think I wrote about my Neato vacuum cleaner in my last post...I don't remember, anyway, this time I didn't do anything when it stopped. I just left it where it was until it's battery was drained. Now I'm gonna charge it overnight and see if it performs

Now I am watching the anime of "Two Years' Vacation", I think the anime is called "Adrift in the Pacific", but I can't find it on imdb. I'm watching a Swedish translation "Två års ferier". I kind of like old 80's anime. It is a little nostalgic, I want more.
But yes, I fell asleep during this movie too. But it was a very easy movie to follow. It kind remined me a little of Lord of the Flies.                                                                                                            
But now I have problems keeping my eyes open soon sleep,

I've forgotten what day it is. And some hospital stories.

I remember that I made pancakes. But I didn't remember if that was today or yesterday.

I remember I ate two pancakes today that was left over. And then I thought, maybe it was earlier today that I made pancakes...?

But, I had to go in and check the dates on the blog, and it was yesterday I made pancakes. And that feels very strange. Probably because I got no proper sleep.

So that means, I haven't eaten anything today, except two pancakes. and


I made macaroni and blood pudding with ligonberry jam.

I notice that I cannot taste much. everything I eat is almost tasteless. That is kind of boring.
It is still difficult to eat, but the tumour hasn't changed much in my mouth the last week. I hope that is a good sign. I think so anyway. It is very difficult to say.

I have this bad thing though, that food get stuck in the upper part of the mouth. and whenever I need to breath in. I breath in that food, and then I cough it out.
If I need to breath while eating, I have to be very careful. Because it easily get down to the lungs.
But if I need to breath out I always spray out the food. Even if I breath out carefully. That is so irritating.
I need to hold my breath when I eat, and I have it difficult to breath through my nose.
And also, food gets stuck in my throat. I cannot swallow it without water.

And today was also a really hot day. I am almost waiting for a day with really bad weather. I want that it to rain really really much some day soon.

Anyway, I haven't really felt that good today, because that lack of proper sleep I got.. And I slept little during the day today. Maybe I should call home care this night, so that they can give me something so I can get one night of proper sleep.

I'm just afraid that it will be pointless. It is usually like that when I am at hospital for example.

Let's say I had one night I slept really bad. I woke up often. I took 1 sleeping pill, and woke up after 1 hour feeling rested. So I took another sleeping pill and woke up after 1.5 hours, then I took something against anxiety and maybe I slept 1 hour..etc etc.
So in the morning when I talk to the doctor I tell him this, and the doctor is so nice and everything and he says that if it's like this tonight again we will give you something stronger.

So, the night comes, and it's the same thing I have it difficult to get to sleep. And I tell the nurse, but the nurse gives me the same sleeping pill I got last night. So I tell her, "But the doctor told me that I could get something stronger". And the response I can get is for example "Yes, but I think it is better to try with this first and see if it works". OK... But why? We already know it doesn't work. Ok then, I am not in control.. Let's say I sleep 3 hours this night, and wake up again and I call for the nurse and I say that I can't sleep. So she doesn't give me the stronger sleeping pill because it is too late, I will just get too tired in the morning, so she gives me the same anxiety pills again, and I sleep a little.... And I still have slept bad that night, even if it wasn't as bad as the night before. But what makes me upset is that, why couldn't I have gotten the other sleeping pill that the doctor recommended. Since the doctor has said that I am allowed to take it, don't I have the right to decide for myself?

Sometimes, of often when I am at the hospital. It feels like I loose my rights to decide for myself. It's always "I think this is good for you" or "We think you should do this". And it so difficult to say no. I can't say no.

Sometimes it's 'We have seen that you cannot handle this so we take over and decide for you'.
That could for example be the food.
When I eat ordinary food with my mouth, it is never a problem. If I eat too little, I don't hear much about it.
But when it comes to the food I get through the feeding tube, it's almost like some kind of dictatorship going on.

Once I needed to go do some ultra sound thing on my heart, and I was having a bag of food dropping in at the same time. So I disconnected it, and thought I could just connect it again when the heart examination was done. But no, no "We think that you should have this with you, you need your nutrition."
So they tried all sorts of ways to get this food pump with me, there was no place to attach it to the bed, because I was escorted there in the bed. So they spent all this time trying to figure out how to get this bag of food with me. And I was starting to get a little irritated.

If I had eaten ordinary food, with my mouth. Would I have been forced to bring that with me too? I eventually said, quite irritatated. Can't I decide myself?
And the nurse seemed a little chocked, but seemed to be a little irritated herself. So eventually they disconnected the foodbag fŕom the feeding tube and I went away to the heart examination. And when I came back I plugged it in again, no more hassle and trouble.

Later more nurses came to me, or if it was the day after. And wanted to have some sort of discussion that began like "We have heard that you are not quite happy" and "It is very important that you get your nutrition". etc etc..

this sentance
"It is very important that you get your nutrition"
is repeated daily, several times per day. Especially if I get food through my feeding tube. In case I forget that for some reason? How old am I now again?

Another thing that happened was that, once, when a group of doctors and nurses was listening to me speak, I asked to get my bag of food early in the morning. Around 7 or 8 or something. Because if they give me the first bag at like 12 like they had done, I will have the last one late at night when I want to sleep.

So the next day around 7 o'clock, this jaunty or spry nurse comes in and tells me that it is time for food. And explains to me "It is very important that you get your nutrition, you can't keep going on and taking your first bag so late..." bla bla bla... In the morning, when I am tired I can get quite pissed off.. however, I did not say anything, I just sighed and said, "yes, yes". And they always ask if I can plug it in myself or not, but with a tone, that makes it sound like "are you really capable of plugging this in yourself", like "are you really sure about that?".. and I say, trying to keep my temper, "yes, yes, I can do it myself".

But when she comes the next morning and says excatly the same thing again, "It is very important that you start early, you need your nutrition do you understand...bla bla bla". I just had to yell at her

"It was I! That told YOU! To bring in my nutrition early! Because it was you that gave it to me too late."

"And, YES! I can plug in the bag myself, how else do you think I have survived alone at home for several weeks with this feeding tube".

They honestly think that I have home care coming home to me just to plug in a bag of food to a this tube.
I can understand if a 90 year old person who is weak can have problems with that for some reason.

But why do they always have to assume first, that I can not do it myself.

Another thing that came into my mind was once after the operation. When they had removed half my cheekbone. One nurse was giving me medicine through the feeding tube. Not asking if I can do it myself, she just does it like it is supposed to be done "by the book". One full shot (60ml) of water to clear the tube, then all the medecine which was dissolved in water, almost three full shots (60ml x 3), and then one full shot to clear it all.

I didn't feel very well, I felt sick, ready to puke and she was pumping in all this water and medecine too fast.
And I had a tracheotomy at that time so it was more difficult to speak, but I was able to speak.

So I just said "Stop, I don't feel very well". That was all I could say. And then I tried raising the bed so I didn't lie straight down. While she was injecting more water, not even helping me get up or anything.

And this thing about lying down straight when injecting something through the feeding tube I've got more stupid nurse stories to tell. You're supposed to sit up when injecting something in the feeding tube.


Anyway, she responded "Feel how? Do you have a headache?", or something like that

I was almost baffled. I didn't know what to respond, I just said "eeerm", and had to breath a little, I needed a break.. And she just kept injecting more water too fast.

And I think I was pointing to my stomach. I was doing something to show her what I meant, and also trying to raise the back on my bed, to no avail. And I said again "Stop, I dont't feel well!"

I don't remember what she said or what she did, but I do know that she was completly incapable of understanding why I didn't feel well.



So anyway what happened was that I just threw up, and it came so quickly I didn't have time to say anything first.

Another nurse came in and said something like "No, you're allowed to throw up!", seriously. First of all, the nurse who injected the medicine to the feeding tube should have waited for me to sit up first.
She could have let me inject it myself, or asked if I wanted to. Since I do that every other day.

And what did she mean by "Not allowed to throw up" ? Did she mean that because I have had an operation in my mouth. Was she really telling me this, or the other nurse? I don't understand how they think really.
I don't remember really what happened next, except I had to change clothes and things like that.

And this thing about, lying down straight + asking me if I am able to inject something in the feeding tube myself.

It has happened that, while one nurse is injecting something in my feeding tube. Another nurse comes in and tells ME, that I am not allowed to lie down while injecting. Yes, I already know that.

But shouldn't the other nurse who was so certain about injecting something into MY body had given me some time to sit up first, maybe she should have known this.

Why is it always my fault when something goes wrong. The nurses never does anything wrong, it is always the patient first that did wrong.

Another funny thing, just after the operation. I probably got pneumonia, plus I had tracheotomy put in. I was coughing alot, and had alot of mucus coming out of my tracheotomy thing.

And there was some kind of filter in it that all the time got filled with mucus. And they used sucking machine to suck up the mucus.

They had to change this filter in my throat/tracheotomy all the time. And so they went out of filters, they had none left, so they just sucked up the mucus in it and put it back.

But it was so heavy to breath through, and I couldn't speak. The only way to communicate was to write on little post-it notes.

Once it was so difficult to breath it almost felt like I was suffocating. And I tried getting attention from a nurse by kicking on the bed.

And I had written "Det känns som jag KVÄVS" on a piece of paper, which means "It feels like I'm suffocating". I wasn't really suffocating, but it was so heavy to breath through this filter that was filled with mucus.

I gave this note to a nurse and she looked at it, and she asked if the last letter was a number 5 ? Really, is my handwriting so bad. She could read "KVÄV5" and still not know what it meant.... Number 5... really? What would it mean if it really was a number 5 then. Or was she joking. I don't know.

Anyway I coughed so hard that this filter just flew out like a cannon ball and hit someone in the head. Then they got a box with new filters.

*sigh* that was alot of whining about hospitals...

Now, I don't have any oxynorm left, no more sleeping pills, and no more temesta. I've got oxascand. Maybe I can sleep on that. I don't know really.

Or wait, yes I do. I have a small case with extra medicine. Good thing I have that.

I notice that my vision on my left eye is worse than on my right.
It has always been like that ofcourse, but I need much stronger glasses now. The strength on my right eye is kind of OK. But on my left eye it has become much worse. I kind of feel scared now also, hope that oxascand works.

What food will I make today

Hmm, I don't know...

Maybe pancakes.

Update:

And I made pancakes. Now I am so tired.

Food

I am quite satisfied with this :)

I need to take another walk to the store to pick up a package.

Cancer cures and testing american food

So currently, these are the three things I eat daily to cure my cancer.

Apricot seeds, bicarbonate and ascorbit acid.

I wonder if part of the cure is that you have to believe in it 100% also. I don't know. I am sceptical, but I have nothing else. And I don't think it will kill me eating this everyday.

If I should  really do this, I probably should stop eating so much candy and sugar....

I opened that bag of ascorbit acid also. It had a sting in my nose :)

Talking about food....

I've seen in american movies that they eat peanutbutter and jam. I've seen it in s movie once when the mother prepares the lunchbox with a sandwich with peanutbutter and jam.

And I have always wanted to try that.

Maybe I dont have the right bread. But yeah.

Peanut butter is not that bad. But it is so dry. I need something to drink with it.
But with jam also, I dont know :/

It is too sweet.

In Sweden where I grew up nobody I knew had lunchbox with them to school,  we just ate the lunch we got from school.

Except in (what I think would be called) pre-school. That is when you are 5-6 years old. The year before real school starts.

Then we had a lunchbox with us to school, and not the metal kind that Marilyn Manson sings about. I don't think we had lunchboxes specially designed to be lunchboxes. But for me it was a used and cleaned old plastic box for icecream.

It would usually be, tunnbröd, a rolled thin bread with messmör. I loved that. Maybe a banana or apple or other kind of fruit, maybe kiwi sometimes. Or other kind of bread with cheese. That is what I can remember I got in my lunchbox back then.