I was so depressed yesterday. And I was telling my friends alot of things that has been irritating me about them. E, ofcourse the bully type person could not take a little bit of critisism.
I said that I felt hurt by constantly hearing how childish and boring my interests are. I didn't really say "I felt hurt". But I said how much I hated when people have that attitude, "you can not do it"-attitude. Like the guy in the store, or my father.
So E responded very sarcastic like "Well, bo-ho, sorry then that I said it was impossible to put together some tape and wooden sticks and maybe make it fly". Like he didn't deserve the critisism, and also ridicule my hobby by making it sound stupid and childish.
Like how he laughed at me when I bought a multimeter many years ago, that kind of attitude is still stuck. I never understood why that was funny.
Like how he laughed at the electronics breadboard, how it looked like a childrens toy. Maybe it does, because it is blue and white and has some colors on the connectors. But, I can not stand that laughter. It always has a sense of making him sound superiour.
I guy that studied together with me the last year in school. He built his own robotic lawn mover. I mean, he built everything. He carved out parts of the chassis in wood. And it looked quite funny.
He is lucky that he doesn't have E as a friend. Because E would roll around on the ground laughing at that thing. He would ask what it could do and why it couldn't do this and that, he would comment on how the blade he used on it was completly useless and how the thing is just utter crap and laugh. He would have this attitude that, if you can't do something that is just as good as anything you can buy in a store. Then what is the point in making it.
I, however do know how to show some respect. I understand very well that when you design electronics, the last thing you think about is how it looks estetically. You make some prototype that works. Then after that you can make it look better also. But this was just a hobby project, it was never meant to be a real product. I understand that when you make something like that, the fun part is making it. Then if the result is crappy doesn't matter. The fun part was making it, and making it work. And then, when you get bored on that project and move on to the next.
I would never laugh at someone, because I know how much it hurts them and how it just makes their motivation go to hell.
I kept complaining on things yesterday in the chatroom. But the last thing that they seemed to understand was that I have terminal cancer. And I don't feel well, especially in the night. I kept thinking, and talking about all those moments that was stuck in my head. When I felt hurt by them.
One that just popped into my head. When E threw a snowball right at the driver side window when I was driving slowly by them, winking goodbye. And everyone laughed hysterically over this. I was scared like hell when that thing popped right next to my head. And I was thinking, "stupid idiot", and just drove home.. so once I did excatly the same thing on E. But ofcourse because I am me, and I am a looser. I think I missed the window. And another friend told me I was being stupid and said "Don't do that" in a very parenting way, because there can be small stones in the snow that can crush the window. And I think E had a sour grin on his face when I threw that snowball, because he was thinking the same maybe. Hypocrit.
This almost explains everything. It explains what kind of status everyone has in the group.
And I absolutely hate this "system". And sometimes I just absolutely hate E. Always in the center of attention, standing there like some Budda..Harmless and has never hurt a soul in his entire life. He is just perfect. Good looking, funny and charming. Actually I have never met a more perfect person. He always wins. He wins discussions. He won yesterday when I was complaining, by making me feel like I had no reason to complain.
This is not a moment were I felt hurt, but maybe a little bit irriated. I mentioned when we were in Japan, at the Ryokan. And M had set the AC to like 50 degrees celcius in the middle of the night. Well, first of all, M isn't very bright. He said he didn't remember the Ryokan, and asked if it was the place we ate at in Kyoto. After a while he understood it was the hostel I meant. His explanation was that the remote control had "japanese symbols" on it so he didn't understand how it worked that he had set it on such a high temperature. Even if the guy that owned the place had explained how it worked. It had three buttons, on/off, up and down. And they had even translated the text on the buttons. Well, I just *sighed*. It wasn't one of the moments that was among the worst. It was just so stupid. I was often irritated during the Japan trip for all of the times I had to spend on McDonalds because he was hungry. And always asked me "But, aren't you going to eat something, aren't you hungry"... yes, I was hungry sometimes. But I wasn't going to eat fucking McDonalds when I am in Japan probably for the first and last time in my life. I'd rather spend all my time investigating the sewer system of Tokyo for 2 weeks and then go home than eat at McD, Burger King or KFC. What a waste of f@/&@&ng time that was.
They never seemed to understand that I was deeply depressed. The only response I seemed to get was that I do not have anything to complain about. They have only been nice to me always, and I was just being stupid to be so angry at them now. It seemed like that anyway.
I even mentioned that I have a tumour in my face that is constantly growing. That I can't do anything about. Maybe they had forgotten about that. I never got a response on this. And I wonder what they think. Do they think "You're not the only one in the world with a tumour, stop complaining". Or do they think "We are all going to die some day, stop complaining". I don't know.
They don't seem to understand very well. E always asks if I want to come over to his place. I have to explain that I don't think it is good for me to drive that far. I can drive a short distance. I have problems with my neck, I can't turn around and look behind me that easily. I am very stiff. I eat lots of painkillers that contain morphine. My hearing is damaged. I have borowed some hearing aid devices. But I think they are very irritaring. They should be custom made for me really. For amplifying the frequencies that I need. But I think the medication is the first thing that is the reason I shouldn't drive. First of all, you are risking others peoples lives when you drive in that condition.
I know I have no excuse to drive a short distance. It is just as dangerous.... well a longer distance could make me more tired and potentially more dangerous.
I just left the chatroom. And I already miss it. It was good to have it. They are not always stupid. Most of the time we have a good time together, I think most of the time anyway. And it felt good to always be able to write something or post a picture. Even if they never responded on it. Or just ignored it. It didn't matter much. It just felt good to have.
And maybe I will join it again. And maybe E would laugh at it and say something "yeah, you come crawling back to us after all".
OK then, but maybe I am just filling up a natural need in my brain. Maybe you don't really mean anything to me. Maybe I am like a cat. They don't care for their owners. They just stay where ever they get food. But.. no I won't say that. Cause he would only laugh and say. "Yeah that is true". Or something. He would not care at all.
....And while I am writing, I am back in the group again. C added me to the group. Yeah. Whatever. I'll put it on silent.
No comments:
Post a Comment