I want to do something

I want to be creative and work on something.

I just feel like eating all the time. And I gain weight. 78kg now.

I want to read my books and do something with my electronics.

I went to a store that has hobby stuff and looking at their brushless dc engines. They told me that buildning my own quad copter was not worth the money, just buy a complete one. And I was like "mmeeeh, no".  That ruins all the fun for me. I don't really want a quad copter, that doesn't  interest me. I want to build a thing that drives 4 motors, senses angle and tilting and rotation etc and adjusting the power to the engines. And see if my program works or not. That is the fun part, just buying a quad copter and use it is not so fun.

I want it to fail. I expect it to fail. That is part of the fun. Figuring out what I did wrong, fix it, hack it, etc etc.

I was thinking about buying some of those RN42 Bluetooth adapters. They were easy to use.

But you need a lot of PWM outputs for brushless dc motors. Didn't expect that. But that can be fixed.

Buut you keeep hearing from friends and dad, and peole in the store laughing at you saying you need special tools. special this and that. knowledgde of that and that, and basically just get laughed in your face.

I really really loved being at OHM2013, If there is a heaven, I wish it is like that. Where were 12 or 13 year olds showing up their quad copter projects. Ofcourse they fail, but that it the point. You fail and then you learn why it fails and then you move forward.

And one day, you are that guy who helps everyone in class with the programming excercises so that they can get their grades... sad world. I hate it.

More postcards that I put in frames

I went out today and bought some frames. I had a postcard that I bought in Berlin. And four ones from Japan.

I am quite sure I bought one one those tsunami pictures in Japan. I think so anyway. But I can't find it so maybe I never bought one.

I also found some stones at home that I found in Jordan. And maybe some of them are from Israel. Not sure which one I foubd where. Also a bracelet that I think I found in Jordan.

Thinking about my game

I just started doing something... And I can't even remember correct C++ syntax.

I wrote "namespace std;" and it didn't compile. And I did something else for a few hours. And looked ar my old code. And it is supposed to be "using namespace std;".. Oh. OK :)

Still not sure if I want to use C++ or just standard C. I am not so good at C++. 

But maybe that is good. I need to learn how to use it.

I felt it would be fun to try and make the game without graphics. Because that is how I like working anyway. I want to do the "boring" parts first. Like the BASIC parser and things like that. Back when I was talking on how Notch worked, that he made something playable first. With graphics, something you can run around in. And maybe that would boost the motivation to continue doing something.

But maybe I shouldn't do it like he does it anyway. But do it my way.

I would like to have something playable as well in the beginning. But the problem has been, I don't know what the game is supposed to be. I don't really know what the goal of the game is. I think that has been the problem.

I love thinking back at when my brother made a simple game on Amiga. Where you would have rooms that you could walk around in. But it was only textbased. It was a prompt that said "You're standing in a room with 4 doors, what do you want to do?". And you would write "Go left". And you walked into the door to the left. And if you were unlucky, there would be an enemy in there.

Everything was kind of random I think. So if you killed an enemy it would just be by luck. I don't remember what the goal was or anything. But anyway, we had a lot of fun with that game anyway.

Not that I want to do a game like that. I want to make a game with graphics. But I mean, I can wait with the graphics. And try to do a game without thinking so much about the graphics first, because I am bad at that. But  try to make a playable game, that has a goal and a meaning but without any advanced graphics.

Maybe just ncurses if enough.

I picked up reading the Flex & Bison book from where I left off.

I don't really have that 100% motivation to work on it for a long time without interruption.

I started to get an automake and doxygen enviroment working.. almost. I've done it with C before. Now it is going to be 100% C++

Today turned into a pretty good day

My mother came to visit. She helped me to buy special socks for my feet. For the water that is in my feet. It helps to press up the water. Or something like that. Or block the water not to get down in my feet maybe.

I made some good food. It was successful food this time. Potatoes with fish and my favourite egg sauce. Just plain white sauce with pieces of boiled eggs in it. I used some of the water from the boiled fish. And that was good.

I put up the whiteboard and cluttered some circuit on it. A non-inverting amplifier... I don't know if I got the calculations right. On such a simple and basic thing. I should be able to calculate any strange opamp connection.

I felt that my brain had forgotten alot or that old math. Wasn't a circuit with feedback on the negative input supposed to be inverting? I have forgotten. But that is not a big deal. You'll just look it up in a formula collection or use google,  like all other engineers do all the time..

I don't like learning things in a way so that you know it inside out. I want to understand things on a deeper level. So that when you connect an opamp in this way, I can figure it out what it does. I can look at the circuit and see  "oh, current will go this way and that way resulting in this equation and then the basic function of the opamp would make this result".... Instead of "I recognize this circuit, I know what it does but I don't know why". I hope you know what I mean.

Some people in school studied just the things you needed to beat the tests. They asked the teachers "what do we need to know, what pages in the book do we need to read" Things like that.. I hated that. I wanted to read the entire book. I wanted to get a completely random problem in my test, and then being able to solve it by understanding how to use my knowledge that I have studied. That is much more fun I think.

And I  can  get it wrong. It is not a big deal. But this circuit is so basic. It is so simple. But when you never use the knowledge, it slowly dissipates. That is boring. I would like to do a little bit of the math everyday to keep it alive.
My teacher in math once said. Put the the calculator away. And don't use it to calculate things like 8 * 17 or 53 / 4. Do it on the paper or in your head. An answer that is a fraction is OK. You don't have to answer in lots of decimals like 3.473636.

But just using your head to do the simple math, it activates and makes your brain work  in the parts in your brain that does math, and it will help you when you do integrals and laplace transforms and linear algebra etc etc. I did that. And I think it it works.

And I got a game in the mail in mint condition. Gyruss.. But now I want to do other things. So here are random pictures from the day.

Food, potatoes. Fish and egg sauce.

The new white board.. Where I notice the mistake I did. Vin is supposed to be connected to the positive input on the opamp ofcourse. Then it would be a non-inverting amp.

Gyruss for NES  in a protective plastic case

It was in better condition than I expected it to be :) Completely new.

The protective plastic case.

Gyruss before the original plastic was removed.

Seems like my orchids are getting flowers. They have not had flowers in a long time.

Fish in slowly boiling water. I don't fill up the water over the fish. Just some in the bottom, with different spices in it. Bay leaf and pepper.

Egg sauce, yummy.

I don't really feel like writing

But I`ll write a little anyway.

As you can see my feet were very swollen yesterday.

Also there was stupid discussions in the chat room. And I am always the one that is wrong. No matter what I say. The superior alpha male is always correct no matter what he says. And then there are personal opinions ofcourse.

I don't mind being forced to pay for commercial free radio and TV in Sweden. What they produce for that money is actually of high quality. Compared to channels that you are not forced to pay for but has to see commercials anyway.

But I get irritated over people, who pay for a service that lets you download movies and series for free. Where non of that money goes to the film makers. The money goes to the the people running the servers so that you don't have to seed a kilobyte to anyone else when downloading.

First of all, you are missing the entire point of the bittorrent system, which is a good system I would like to see take over all sorts of file downloading online. Bittorrent has nothing to do with piracy. And is your upload functionality so precious to you like it is your own dick. That is what is so sad with everyrhing today.

Someone said. It is good that the film industry and music industry have to suffer a little bit. Yes, I agree a little bit. They are greedy, and they do produce a lot of shit.

Where do they get the money for the Transformers movies, if piracy is hurting the industry so much?

Well. There were many things that irritated me again about my friends and their stupid attitude against things. I cannot change them. They just kept ignoring what I wrote, that made me angry. Lonely...What am I to them? Am I a friend to them?

Once I said that the most beautiful thing in life was "this" moment. A moment many years ago when we were on a sailing boat during the sunset and the weather was perfect... Do you know what the response was.... 

Laughter. They laughed at me.

Once I said that,  I loved sunsets and just sitting there feeling relaxed. E responded that it was a cliché and laughed at it.

But, yesterday E said the same thing. That the beauty in life is not in our electronics and your tv's or computers bla bla bla...  That experience life was being outside and enjoying nature. And I never felt like laughing at him for saying that. I agree. Nature is beautiful. But this is how he can be such a manipulative hypocrite.

And all these thoughts came rushing through my head on how girl came rushing up towards him and saying things like "ooh,  I love you E, tou are so philosophical and deep oooooh how cute".

Compared to the situation where I said something similar, and E just *scoffed* at it.

Ofcourse there would be a girl next to him at that moment too. Probably not saying anything.

E can manipulate you in a way during s discussion. So that your thought process just stands still, I can't think for myself any more. I can't respond to his stupidity. So even if he says something really really stupid, and you try to explain to him how wrong he is. He will do something or say something making it so that my brain actually believes in his stupid idea, and then maybe the next day you'll have a good answer in your head. But then it is already too late anyway.

The truth is, he is a hypocrite, egoistical and selfish. He can sometimes act as a complete idiot and always get away with it. And he manipulates people. you can't have a discussion, because he needs to win the discussion, always.

And I should't really think or write about it now. Because it makes me depressed and kills my motivation.

Sometimes I feel like I want to say something to E. That hurts just as much as when he says things that hurts me. With his hysterical laughter.

Once I said that I want to stop spending time with them so much. Or probably not  at all. They said nothing. And I think they ignored it.

I think I have said it twice. The first time E laughed and said "hahaha, oh, you will be crawling back us.". And that hurt me. Because I believed in it.

But I don't want it to be like that. Now I don't really spend time with them so much the last few years. I just stopped contacting them. I think that is the best way. I notice that it is them who comes crawling back to me.

Now I feel I need more social contact than usual. Because I am alone at home. Often bored. And feel the need sometimes to talk to people.

But I don't know if this chat group we have is having a positive or negative effect on me.

Now I have stop writing about this. Because it makes everything feel worse.

Swollen feet

Not good today or yesterday evening

I lost my temper on my Neato Vacuum cleaner.

If I had the money, I would spend thousands of it on AdWords to talk about how bad their products really are... At the same time, I was so pleased with my first one that worked fine for 2-3 months before I got any serious problems.

The Neato, like usual just stopped on one of my doorsteps and complained that it was blocked, "untangle" or what ever it says. My father was there, and how a person can be so incompetent on electronics is beyond my understanding. I  just said, "Press the long black button", and nothing happened. Of course the display was off, so you had to press the large round button first to start it and THEN press the long black "OK" button. He did not understand that. This was when I started to loose my temper. He said "It doesn't work, I press the button". So I had to go up and do it myself.
Yeah, I should have said "If the display is off just press the large grey button and then press the "OK" button" *sigh* I thought he could figure this out for himself, but no. I had so say "It is unfuckingbelievable how some people can be so technically incompetent".

Any way, that did not work. So I pressed OK again, still stuck, and it kept doing that even if I hammered on the OK button, not with an actual hammer, but just like you do when playing bullet hell games without autofire.

I lost my temper here, all the problems with these Neato cleaners came rushing though my head. I just picked the damn thing up and threw it on the floor with all my weak force I have left. Some plastic bits came off. I have not found them yet.

(Another scary thing that just happened right now, was that I got one of those micro-sleeps. And When I woke up. All that I had written was gone... Thank "God" for ctrl+z.)

Thinking about my game again

I get a this motivation feeling to start doing something. But it dies quickly when I think back at that BASIC parser.

I just have all these voices left in my head from people telling me "Oh, no, not another crappy spacegame". And my motivation is gone in a second. Once there was this complete idiot on IRC, just brutally murdering my motivation to keep programming at all. Saying things like, he felt sorry for my bos hiring someone like me. I just thought the idea of having two different instructions in a CPU do excactly the same thing.

I don't know how to implement the BASIC parser in my game. Like a scripting engine. Or actually do so that it compiles into opcodes and simulate the whole computer. Or.. I don't know.

Maybe I should make a text based game. Like I used to. When I was 12.

Maybe I should use ncurses.

It has to start somewhere. I think I usually start with the most advanced stuff first. Just so that I can have something to show of to people. And that might be my biggest problem.

Even if I do that, I always kept hearing, or getting the response that it looks boring. And then I try to explain. But I cannot do Crysis graphics and sound effects in two months and make it look cool for you... what I have done IS cool, it IS advanced. You just can't see it.

And then they just leave showing their fat asses and talk about something else. Not even caring about what I have done or worked on. Because "We don't understand it", or whatever... While I would like to have some input... What can I do, what features would be cool in this game.. but.. yeah..  *sigh* no... It leaves me with the feeling that it is not worth the effort. I have even heard a friend say that what I do is a waste of time. If I cannot impress with cool graphics FIRST, it is pointless and a waste of time .

But they don't have any understanding in programming. I need to stop listening to them too much to them. 

No.. That is not a picture that has anything to do with the game. But my game idea has something to do with programming. And programming different devices.

Now. I am alone. Father has gone home. I feel free again. It feels great in a way.