Dad is visiting me

Sure it is fun with some company. And the evening times might not feel that ultra depressing. Well. He wants to watch TV alot,  ALOT. And TV usually bores me ALOT.

And I want to play my games. Lucky that you can do both with the Wii U. 

But he is not uplifting to have around. I show him things that I have done. I asked if he saw my sushi that I was proud of, I posted it here and on facebook. 

And he said "No".. So I showed him the tools, the bamboo mat. While he is not showing any interest at all. He just wanted to walk away and I had to shout after him "And these are the miso-soup mix".. "OK". He said without any interest at all.

And then I said you need this oil or vinager for the rice "Oh, is it to add salt so that it tastes anything?". And I *scoffed*.. it is always like that with him. 

Everything, absolutely everything needs salt to taste ANYTHING. It is like it is binary, no salt == no taste, extra salted == taste. I tried explaining.
Yes it does add a little bit to the flavour if you add a little bit of salt, it tastes what it is supposed to taste. If you add too much salt it just tastes salt. He always buys butter "extra salted" while I always buy butter organic "Krav" which is normally salted. And my father asks "Why do you always buy Krav/organic, it doesn't taste any different"... AHA, busted!  So you admit extra salted butter doesn't taste better than normally salted butter.

And you see, WHY in the WORLD would I buy organic food for the taste. If I buy organic I expect it to taste exactly the same as non organic. If it actually does taste better. That is a huge plus.

"But why buy more expensive food if it doesn't taste better"

I could ask,  him "Why buy extra salted butter if it doesn't taste better plus gives you higher risk of heart diseses"... 

Of course, I got cancer now so the best thing in my case would be to shut up.

People in general are very fast pulling out that simple card "but, lol, you've got cancer so all your burden in buying organic etc etc is quite useless isn't it".

Pick a small group like my friendship group. They could say "We eat McDonalds. Kebab, chips a and coca cola probably everyday". Did I talk about my friend who still had the fabrication plastic stuff left in his oven a year after it was installed. He never used it. I bet he never used his plates for anything more advanced than boil water maybe.

But he eats McDonalds, pizza, Burger King, Max.... or frozen microwave meals.

I am the guy who likes to make my own food, I always buy the organic option of a product. I would do anything to eat, anything that would pop into my mind that sounds good, googling and following a recipe and not be afraid of failing. Because I've failed a "couple" of times. Because sometimes you have to fail first, before you can redo and make it better. I've done things I have been very pleased with. Made my own bread, smörgåsgårta, vegetarian lasagne, "plommon-späckad skinkstek" my favorite, also known as "söndagsstek" or something like that. I don't really follow a recipe when doing that. I just make things up as I go. My friend is the guy who thinks making tacos is the most advanced kind of food you can make yourself.

I read one online from a person who wrote "don't give any money to those cancer organisations. If people stopped putting all that crap in their bodies they would not have cancer. Chips and dip ans cola and McDonalds, you name it".

Meaning, it is your own fault you have cancer. And these organisations is taking advantage of you, just taking your money and drive around in nice cars.

I felt hurt hearing this. "It is your own fault that you have cancer".

I know a lot of people who eat fast food and crap food very often. And when I say that I know that they do this. I really do know they do.

Cancer can be the cause of so many things. In my case in 2010, I got NPC cancer. When googling around on that you can find that people sensitive to a virus called EBV (Epstein-Barr Virus) can develop this form of cancer. So what did that have anything to do with eating... Whatever diet you wish you use, pick anyone, LCHF, or whatever.

When it comes to the diet, eating too much salty fish and meat helps the virus to develop cancercells... well that is a very very short explanation of an hypotesis. But I don't eat alot of meat, not alot of salt either. But I do love fish. So everyone that likes to eat fish now, beware.

When it comes to the cancer I got now. They are pretty certain that it was caused by the radiation therapy that they gave me in 2010..

There isn't really any rights and wrongs with food.... of course a healtyh diet is ALWAYS good. But this cancer crazyness, well it is just crazyness. These people I know. They will keep eating their cola and chips and fast food and never learn to cook anything themselves. They'll live a cancer free life anyway.

While I will continue to cook my own food, as long as I can, eat lots of vegetarian food, etc etc because I love it. Not because I force myself to eat something I don't like to get a better health. But because I like that food. And I don't think cancer has anything to do with anything else than just really bad luck.

I was going to write this blog post on how much my father bores me. Him and his mid day naps. I can hear him snoring now, after eating he always takes a nap.. And he always needs to say it in such a boring way. I feel tired too sometimes. But there is nothing more depressing I think, than sleeping away a few hours in the middle of the day. Unless I am really really sick or something.

But if I am tired in the middle of the day. I'd rather take a cup of coffee and sugar to kick-start the brain again and keep going, that feels the best.

This mid day nap is like depression fuel for me. And just hearing my father snoring in there is depression fuel. And he soon wakes up and want to watch the news. *sigh* same news he watched just before.

My coffee is ready. And this blog post has actually taken all day to write. And now I feel like sitting here complaining and whining instead of doing something else is making me depressed.

This day passed so quickly

Not until now 16:50 I drink the last little drops of my morning coffee.

I made coffee this morning, while playing fantasy life and writing an real-time review on it here. Since I am so tired it it almost impossible to write anything with my micro-sleeps that I get.

Sometimes I just nod with my head, and I am sleeping, but I still think that I am writing. So when I wake up I've been holding down a key or something. Or I drop the phone... yeah the usual, I have said it before. I keep saying it until I find the best way to express it : P

I was stopped in the middle of playing Fantasy Life because I got visit from the nurses and the doctor from the palliative care team that I have. Don't know how long they stayed. They arrived here at 13:30. 

Anyway, I ate my last sandwich before they came in. But I had my risifrutti and coffee to drink. Set the game on pause.

Now when they have left I can eat the last of my breakfast. Only writing this blogpost is stopping me.

I think writing in the blog has stolen most of the hours. Anyway. Now I feel that I am done with writing for now. I will eat this. Take a walk to the store. 

Make and eat some proper food when I come home. And then keep playing or writing about my own game that I started writing about yesterday.

Wow. This day was fast.

Day of the dead

There is always this part of the day when everyone seems unavailable.

They're doing something else, not available in the chat rooms. Nobody responds of the phone.

No one to talk to.

At the same time. I try to read a little bit about Flex & Bison to make my BASIC programming parser. I've started on on it a little bit. It can assign variables and do some simple math and things like that.

But I got stuck on how to do when parsing code like "IF A>5 THEN", and then it is supposed to parse another block of code until it reaches "ENDIF" or something like that. There are special functionality for that in Bison... or Flex

I read one page, and then I was bored.

I took a quick shower and changed clothes. That felt good.

My robotic vacuum cleaner also stopped today with the message "House Cleaning - paused". For no apparent reason at all. I just left it there until it ran out of battery. And I put it back in the charger. I don't know what the problem is. And I have no energy to care so much about it. Anymore. Maybe I should turn this one in as faulty too.

I had a chat with friends on downloading films. E think's that it is completely OK to pay for a service where no money goes to the film industry or the makers, just for the servers holding the torrents so that you don't even have to seed to other downloaders. And that he doesn't care about "the poor film makers", in that case if it ruins the entire film industry, it is just evolution, and maybe people can do better stuff instead.

I don't understand that logic at all. Then why do you need movies so badly that you're ready to pay for a service? but not to a service that goes to the people making the movie? OK, I understand, it is a service that has more movies that for instance Netflix has. Because Netflix has to go through all this stupid economical trouble to get a movie on their site.

But I don't think it is like E says. "evolution" will not remove movies, lol, never. There will always be people who burn passionately for making movies and writing stories, just like all people grow up with different interests. And I think they would be very happy if they could have their closest interest as a job and make money on it.

He doesn't seem to understand much. Neither did the others I think. It was similar in the discussion yesterday. When I was talking about making a drone/quad copter.

And E took for granted that I would buy a complete model...?

No, of course not. I have no interest in quad copters/drones in that way. I am interested in electronics, building stuff and doing the mathematics and figuring out how to get it stable and working with the programming, and building the electronics and everything from scratch. I have already made a small programmable board with an accelerometer and a gyro sensor on it. I would maybe like to have a blue tooth module to read out the values wirelessly.

That is the fun part, do all the development, and then see that what you did works. Just buying a complete quadcopter/drone is just a waste of money.

And of course, if you're gonna do that you need to fail over and over again many many times until you get it right. I think that is a problem that E has, and also reminds me of my father. They can't accept that failing is a way to achieve progress. I think E would laugh in my face if I said that.

But actually, that is reality, that is how it is! I cannot tell you how many times I've failed at programming something before I got it right. But now it is like riding a bicycle, that knowledge won't go away. I won't forget how to program anything in C because I've done it so much. I've done wrong so many times that I understand how things work on a deeper level. When I failed I needed to figure out what was wrong, and I discovered how things works in assembler level, on hardware level. So that I could even do my own CPU if I wanted to.

And you could probably dive into the mathematics of the regulation on a quad-copter forever. We did PID regulators in school. That was one of the most fun courses I did in school. But it is sad how that knowledge just seem to dissipate and fade away if you don't maintain it and use it often. I don't remember much of signals and systems course and regulators. I remember a little bit... Maybe you could to a step analysis and analyze the result of the acceletometer/gyro data, and go from there... You see, that is what I remember. If I pick up the book and started working on it. Things would probably start getting back to me again.

But maybe the regulation doesn't have to be that advanced as a PID regulator. Maybe it just need to be simple, like the program senses from the accelerometer/gyro that the thing is tilting a little bit too much to the left so give a little more power to the left engine and less to the right until it reaches a zero value, it will probably overshoot so the program needs to do the opposite, etc etc.. And if you get it right so that it doesn't overshoot more, which would be an unstable regulator. But it needs to be configured to be a stable regulator so that the drone actually stabilizes.

Well, anyway, I didn't get much ideas or input from them. Not anything that would be realistic anyway. E thought that building your own drone was impossible, or extremly difficult. And that you needed tools that was impossible to get. I almost laughed, I don't think it is impossible. I don't think I need more than me Dremel kit and the electronics I already have at home. I've seen people do it, younger than me and without any fine electronics engineering degrees like I have. But that is just how E is I think, extremely negative. He always says he is a "realist", but I don't think he is at all. I just think he is a loser in a way.

Being negative doesn't mean you're a "realist", it just means you can't do anything because you wont even try to. You don't even think about trying. You're just.. I don't know. A loser? I can't find a better word for it.

Something I fear is that I got a very bad influence from him over all these years. I can't blame him really. But I am not sure about it. Sometimes I am afraid that he has programmed my brain, manipulated me into being this negative person myself so that I can be more like him. Always thinking "I can't"...

But I remember also, and I have written about it, in this blog. My father is exactly the same. He is also very negative, and he doesn't see the possibility in something. He often goes with the "I can't" direction when choosing a path, and doesn't choose to see the possibilities, even if they're right there in front of him. Are these people afraid of trying, or maybe afraid of failing?

I can find and see possibilities and ways on how to solve problems and do things. Otherwise I would never be able to have the job I had. No way.

While both E and my father is completely opposite from me. They will just say "No, forget it, it doesn't work".
And sometimes, when I know for a fact that something is possible to do. I feel so bored and depressed, because E always gets it his way, because he is the leader and the alpha-male. And his negativity always wins in the end.

When I talked about the board I've made, the programmable MCU with an acceletometer and a gyro and serial connection via USB to my computer. I wonder what went through their mind. Because doing something like that, I would assume to be impossible to do yourself. When I said I didn't really have the motivation to keep working on it, although I could probably use it in a center of a quad copter to sense movement, tilting, rotations. I would need alot of PWM's to drive brushless DC engines also...

M's response was "There's is probably already people who has done programs you can just download and just get it running.". I wanted to laugh out loud. I wonder what went through his mind.

First of all, that is none of my interest, I have no interest in using anything complete that someone else had made.
And no, of course in a million years that anyone can find pre-made programs for my board that I've built. What I has done is completely unique. Maybe there is something for Arduino or RPi yes. But what I have done is not using an Arduino or RPi. You could say is is a Danielino.

It is something that soldered together myself from scratch, and that is how I would like to continue doing things. That is what I am interested in, that is what I love doing.

I feel a little sad and lonely that nobody really understands me and my interests and hobbies. I can chat with people online on forums. They would understand.

I always used to love programming and doing things myself. I remember as if I had more motivation back then... But when I think more about it, my projects was never really finished back then either. I usually just got halfway, then I stopped, or got bored and started on a new project.

Another day that just flies by

Time goes so quickly. The days pass like cars on a highway.

And my phone is so irritating, you can't imagine. There is probably some glitch in the charger connection.

So I constantly get this message that pops up. "Connect a charger". And this irritating sound. Just, constantly. Every 10 seconds or so, or just every time the contact glitches just a little bit. And even if I have all the energy saving options available activated. The battery drains faster than it loads. 

Dropbox is the worst. I think I have filled my dropbox 4 times or so in just a few weeks. I need to download everything and put it on my computer. How is it possible that I can take that many photos so that it fills my dropbox in just a week or so. I don't know.

Also for some reason the door to my freezer had been open over the night.

Nothing had melted completly, everything was still frozen, well, half frozen at least. And now when I have closed it and refrozen everything, some of my icecream have become frosty and icy and not so good.

I really don't like that the days pass so fast. It feels like it was just morning, I just had breakfast... what happened?

I did nothing today.

I played a little bit Rocksmith. And I sucked at it today. I actually felt that it was boring.

I played a little bit Mario Maker. I unlocked so that I can go into pipes and stuff. But it is a little boring that I can only upload ten levels. I have done so many levels...

It would be cool if you could make an entire world map. Like mario games have had since SMB3. With all your levels. You would make an entire Mario game :)

I have also tried beating levels in expert mode. Some of them are just unforgivingly hard. I want to beat expert mode at least once.

I pre ordered a New 3DS XL with Animal Crossing Happy Home Designer. And  32Gb memory card with that.

I don't really like that you get the game as a digital download. I would rather have the cartridge. It was the same with Mario Land 3D when I bought my 3DS XL. But yeah. Whatever. I don't know if Home Designer is a game for me anyway. I just want the New 3DS XL.

I think I am trying to buy myself happy. It's a little fun to get new stuff. A little  boost of happiness.

I've been thinking about getting the MGS5 Limited Edition PS4 also. But I don't know. There aren't many games for PS4 that I want to play. Two of my friends play it. I have asked if it is worth buying a PS4 for that game. But they cannot give a good answer. Either they just say "Buy it".. or, don't answer at all. I think the most indepth answer I got was "If you liked ground zeroes, you'll like MGS5"... But ground zeroes doesn't look close to MGS5 Phantom Pain at all... Meh, So I don't know...

I liked MGS4, because it had a great story with it. Have they completely ignored to make a story in MGS5? I don't understand. They can not give a good answer, I don't understand why. But that is just how it is.

There are lots of things I would like to have.

One of those Keysight ocsilloscopes with  5GS/sec rate. Maybe 200MHz or something like that. But then I will use all of my saved up money. And I have it difficult to save anything now. I spend all I get every month now. There isn't much left in the end of the month.

I've had problems with my left ear. It keeps getting worse.
The tumour is on the left side of my face, and it has become swollen so that it blocks my ear and affects my hearing. It is very irritating. It pops and makes sounds when I eat for example. And I feel that I need to push and pull with my finger to "open" it, all the time.

The doctor comes here on Monday, and I told the nurse that I want him to take a look in my ear. They can probably not do anything about it ofcourse. I don't know really.

The days are mostly the same every day, maybe that is why it feels like that pass quickly.

Stormy day today, got bad thoughts.

If you're a reader that doesn't want to read about my constant whining about my friends. This is not a post for you. But sometimes. Like I said before. I need to get some things off my chest that I have been carrying.

So I got everyone to change from whatsapp to viber. But now nobody is using it as much as they used whatsapp. Nobody to chat with most of the time.

That is the thing with E. He always wins. There is no exception. He is very manipulating. And I don't know if he is aware that he is manipulating or not.

I hate whatsapp. It crashes every time I want to add a photo or says "your camera is not working". Though it works perfect when used normally. It also eats away CPU usage for some reason. And my memory gets filled up constantly. Draining both battery and memory.

I have been using viber for years without any big problems.

Years ago I was chatting with a friend in china. And I was at E's place. And someone commented on this. "Isn't it fantastic now. You're chatting with someone across the earth." And E shouted out "You're sending SMS to china isn't that expensive!!!". But he gave me no time to answer.

I wanted to say. No, it is "free". There is no charge so send a message, I use the internet connection to send messages via an app called Viber. But he just gives no time to respond. He just said that "isn't thay expensive". And just walked away.

I might have started to respond, but at that time he had already left the room.

I mean like, in a very alpha-male manner, very controlling over you. I felt that I needed a very powerful voice to answer. Because he just immediately changed to talk about something else when he came back. He has a very powerful voice that gives you no room to talk.

I think I managed to mention viber and explain it. But 80% of the information seems to get lost in the "I don't care attitude" of the brain. And the response might have been. "Lol. That sounds gay".

I don't think they understood what I meant. I tried explaining "it is like ICQ but on the phone". And I just got this feeling from everyone that sound really really bad. "But we can send sms. That atleast works".. It was something that they couldn't accept I remember. They said "but that will not always work if you don't have internet". "but you have 3g or 4g don't you".... etc etc. And the discussion could go on. And no matter what I say. E or C will win in the end. Even if they are completly wrong. They will win the discussion in the end. Whatever idea I have, it is not worth it, it is not worth the effort or the trouble to do anything I ever say.

It isn't until E discovers it himself that things start to happen. So you can never ever really recommend anything to them. Only E has the power to do that.

I don't know why they listened to me this time and changed to Viber. Maybe it is because of my situation and they feel a little sorry for me or something.

However. It was easy as hell to get my sister and my mother and father to use viber. They didn't complain. They didn't judge it or anything. They just installed it and used it.

So. I have been keeping using SMS and MMS to those friends for years. I cannot go in to the group and say to everyone. Try this app and we can chat for free instead of sending sms all the time. Doing that is like trying to bring down a brick wall with a spoon.

But for E it is so easy. He just says get whatsapp and we can chat. Only it was 3 or 2 years later. Since I first mentioned Viber. And that was before whatsapp existed I think. I'm not sure, maybe whatsapp was out before Viber... Anyway, I used Viber first. And I understood very quickly why it was good.. Because I have been trying to use ICQ app on my phone to chat with friends. And that didn't work as well. Also the skype app wasn't so good at the time. And I only had one friends who used skype at the time. Viber was much faster and worked better.

It was excatly the same thing with Skype I remember now. It took I think many many many years until E discovered it and then everyone ofcourse "needed" it according to him.

Another friend W recommened skype to us so many years ago, but same thing there. E immidietly judged it as "gay" or uneccesary, C said we use .... uhm, don't remember the name, but that application that all gamers use to talk to each other while playing games. And one person always needs to struggle to get a server up and running.

When E discovered skype many many years later, I told E "Yeah, you know skype isn't anything new. We use it at work all the time. And do you remember that time W recomended it for us?".

I've heard others just having so much trouble with whatsapp also. And it takes over everything. It wants access to every single information in your phone.

And the emojis are boring.

And you need to pay a dollar after some time if you want to keep it I think.

But once I complained a little, which I probably never ever do (except here on the blog and in my private diary where I get out all my anger and frustration) Ofcourse E had to complain on Viber.

He just needs to do that because he didn't get it his way this time. So he doesn't use viber on the phone. Cause it sucks he says, he said "Hahah, this app *middlefinger emoji*" And then he just removed it. But it is like he is just doing it out of spite. There is no logical reason. Viber works perfectly well, it looks and works almost exactly like whatsapp. I know more people on my list that uses viber than people who use whatsapp. So I don't really want two chat programs anyway.

I am pretty sure it is that way. He only refuses to use viber out of spite. I am pretty sure of it.

I can keep writing about my stupid friends here. Because I am quite certain that they will never read my blog anyway. A blog doesn't interest them at all.

Now I feel I have complained on them a little bit too much. I almost feel bad over it. And maybe I should remove this. Or make it private in some way.

I didn't feel well at all last night. As I have said before. The night is the worst part of the day. I feel lonely, I feel anxiety. But yesterday was almost extreme. I took alot of anxiety pills and finally slept well.

I can't really chat with my friends then. They want to go to sleep.

I have other friends who say "call me any time you want, even in the middle of the night if you want to".. I don't do that. I don't want to call people in the night.

These closest friends I have been writing about doesn't seem to take my situation seriously a lot of the time. Sometimes I get the feeling that they think "bohoo, so you have terminal cancer. so what?"

They have never ever said that ofcourse, and they probably don't think like that. But I think they have it difficult to show feelings. And so I get this thought in my head that this is how they think.

But when I write to the chat group. "I don't feel well. I don't feel well at all". Or write that I am depressed or write that I feel extremely lonely. I never get an answer.

Maybe they don't know what to do. Of course I can understand that. But saying nothing at all just makes it worse. Someone could at least say. "Something I can do".... yes. Just chatting about something. An anime, a game. Whatever, doesn't matter. I just need company.

Or like yesterday I kept writing lines after lines about some economical issue. But I don't know if anyone even read it at all.

Even more Amiibos and Splatoon and thinking about my friends again.

I don't know what has happened to me. I told myself to not buy so many Amiibos. But then I saw some of them were so quickly sold out that I just wanted them. I got the Ness Amiibo that I wanted.

Oh, all these Amiibos.. What am I doing :| But I really wanted the Ness Amiibo :)

Also. Bought Splatoon. I don't know why. I didn't think it looked like a game for me when I first saw it. But sometimes you can find games you really like this way. It looks boring, doesn't look like your type of game. And then you play it and just love it.. So we will see. I wrote yesterday what I thought about deathmatch shooters like that. I always suck at them because I can't aim. And my friends are always so much better at those kinds of games, I also have quite some low self esteem or what you can call it. I have it difficult when others laugh at you for failing all the time or often.. I've grown away from this for the most part. But still.

I'll try splatoon later.

Sometimes I buy games because I want friends to come over and have fun and play. I remember we had so much fun with 007 Golden Eye for N64. But I had other friends back then too. It didn't do so much that I lost often. And sometimes I was even quite skilled on it. I think we were on the same level overall. My friend had beaten some really hard levels and locked up everything. I never did that. But when we played multiplayer we had fun.

(And if you want to continue reading from here. I know I will be complaining and complaining about my friends and how they ruin things for me. My trips and my parties. Etc etc. I just feel sometimes I want to get things off my chest when it comes to them. And after I wrote this I really feel that I did. I feel no more irritation or anger over past events. Things are better now. I might aswell delete it now. But I will keep it.)

With the friends I got now. It is. I think impossible to have fun in a multiplayer deathmatch game. If you can stand the loudness of E's laughter. And his always so clever ways to win a game. Or stand the shit you have to take if he happens to suck at the game. C however might master the game in such a way that you simply don't have a chance. Just forget it. No games like that used to be much more fun.

I have a friend that we always play games at. And it is often Mario Kart Double Dash. And once I bought four gamecube controllers so that we could play it also when they are at my place.

Once when we talked about something. Like, how it is always so fun at M's place because we can play Mario Kart. Then I said, "But we can play Mario Kart at my place too now.". And we had done that once so they knew. But the reaction I got was just a blank stare. I don't know what we talked about after that.

I remember when we did play Mario Kart at my place. And one of my friends was shaking the controller up and down in the air in large motions so that my gamecube or Wii was jumping on the floor (not good for the laser for the disc reader btw) while laughing hysterically over this for some reason. Something was fun because the cable was too short for him, maybe, I don't know. At M's place he has wireless gamecube controllers. We never played Mario Kart at my place again. Not because I didn't want to. But because they never want to, or they have forgotten that I have it or something.

It was the same when he played with my guitar. He took it and held it so that the wire was almost popping out. But instead of doing anything about that. Like moving or something he kept stretching it until it popped out and then laughing hysterically over this. This always puts the idea in my mind that it is something wrong with me. I have done something wrong so that he is not pleased. Or it is always someone else's fault that he cannot find full enjoyment. He cannot simply adapt a little bit. And he probably has a very clever answer on this, on why he cannot adapt.

I notice I have been talking about my friends alot during the last posts. And how much they have irritated me over the years.

Ideas start to get into my head like, I am actually quite pleased that my life is so short now. Because I never felt I had any really good friends. Real friends that care, and don't try to ruin things for you alot of the time.

That is a thing with E. He sometimes without remorse, deliberately really wants to ruin a good experience for you. This has happened. I can't remember a good example right now... Oh, maybe I'll remember something later.

I remember once when I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I had bought cake or what it was that we could have with some coffee. I was probably 27 or something like that. Not 18.. And cake and coffee is something that I enjoy very much.

However. Once people started drinking. They were on top of each other wrestling in my sofa. Someone, think it was E. Took a bag of chips and smashed it like a blown up paperbag, laughing and laughing. The sofa was tipped over... I was so *not happy* at this time.

We were leaving to go out. The sofa still tilted on its back. Nobody cared about this. I tried lifting the sofa back up. And I asked nicely. "C, can you please take the other corner and...". And I wasn't even finished with my sentance. He being probably 20times stronger than me just took the sofa in one corner and threw it up in the air making it land on it's feet. I just *sighed*... and said OK. Could have been done with some grace maybe?

Was this the same party when E was using one of my chairs to bounce forwards. While laughing hysterically. Luckily that chair is not broken. Because I like it.

Before E arrived. Someone called C and they talked. And said "Ok, when will you be here? Ok see you". And I asked C who it was. In which he didn't respond. He was like a brick wall. Not even making eye contact. I shouted louder "Who was it? Who is coming?". No answer just blank stare on the TV. I started to get irritated.

Then E arrived.

I was hoping for a calm party. One of those. Where you can sit down. Drink your beer and talk to each other. And maybe say. Hey anyone one wants liqeur and coffee and cake. Or something else sweet like conjac or something like that. It is good. But no.. no no no no. That is for old men. You have to turn atleast 40 or maybe 50 before you can do something like that. But why? I like it. It was my birthday. I didn't want my sofa upside down and a bag och chips exploded on the floor. I never wished for that.

The day after, nobody wanted coffee or cake. They just wanted to go home and leave the cleaning job for me. I don't remember anything else from that party. Just the miserable stuff. But I wonder if they had any fun. I didn't.

I wonder what all that was for. All that miserable behaviour at my place. Did I ever behave like that at theirs? I don't know. I don't care about that anymore anyway.

However, the rules are very different when E is having a party. There is food and coffee and cake and no exploding bags of chips. It is going to be fancy and cosy and calm.

When it is time to eat. Everyone stands in line and take food. Nobody complains about the food. Nobody dares to say things like "this looks disgusting". And if there is time for coffee and liqeur that is 100% ok. Nobody can come to E's party and say, yeah I'll come later I'll just grab some mcdonalds first. Im hungry like hell.

No. Hell you don't.

I don't care so much about that now. Or I don't care at all about those things actually. Because I will never have another party. And I will never go to another party. I have stopped drinking alcohol. And that feels great.

I always wanted to have a party were I make some food and have a pleasant calm time.

But this is also impossible. Because I cannot do that. E have a view on me as standing underneath him and his girlfriend and his perfect life.

So it might sound "hey we can come over and do tacos or something". Meaning that they will use my kitchen to make tacos for us. OK. That is nice too.

But the thing is. I would like to be in that situation for once. When I can feel like an adult and invite people to my place and make food for them. But if you gonna do that with E, you need some other kind of higher status. I can't come home to E and say, hey I can come over and make tacos or somerhing for you.. you see? 

Because he has a girlfriend and is at a much higher level.

There are plenty of recepies that I always wanted to share with people. But people don't have that view on me. They don't want my food. It is actually the same with my father. I can't cook for him. He cannot take that.

I have had one friend that I've cooked for several times. And she enjoyed it, she even said I was good at it. So I am happy enough. I have done that, I have had someone enjoy my food that I cooked for someone. I don't need more now. My other friends missed my cooking skills. It is their loss really.

Nightmares

But I forgot what is was

Time flies by and complaining about people

Time just flies by like nothing. It was 13jusy now. Soon it is already 14. That means it is soon 15. And when it is 15. It is starting to get late. *poof* and it is 20. And I wonder what did I do today?

What the hell happened.  What happened to the projects I wanted to work on.

I know I went to sleep very late last night. Not until 5. But I was busy playing guitar. And I needed more time. There is just not enough time on a day.

And I probably slept for a long time today also. Not even if I get up early in the morning I feel that the days are long.

I had a fight with some friends yesterday.
I never have that. I just felt I needed to. I even cried and didn't know what to do. 

They always win the discussion. They are always correct. They never make anything wrong. It is only my attitude that is wrong. Only I can be wrong if I ever do criticize something. Which I very very rarely do. I most of the time, well, 99% of the time need to listen to how they criticize and complain about me or other things. If I do it however, they're always, always, always so much more clever in their responses that you just loose.

There is just these things with them that I cannot handle. The constant whining on how "misarable" everything is. Or that there is no freedom in the group. 

There is one locomotive and the rest is cargo. The cargo cannot say "hey I want to ge see something over here. Want to hang along?" NO NO NO. You can't do that. NOBODY. Wants to hang along with you then. There is one. One single locomotive. And that is it. It follows one track.  And maybe. In some rare occasions you get the locomotive to change direction. And maybe if you're lucky. He might enjoy it.

But most of the time. If there is an idea that I want to try. You will experience hell. Literal hell. Until the alpha male gets it his way. You will have to stand hearing mean comments,  loud laughs about trivial things like for example, these chairs are so fucking uncomfortable in this restaurant this is the last time I eat here, it sucked ass. Hey. I recommended this place because when I ate there the food was fantastic and I didn't mind the chairs. It wasn't something that I thought about. You might hear a, "Yeah the food was OK, just sad about the chairs". When the alpha male however is in charge. Nobody complains, everyone follows like little lemmings and do not complain.

Because that is just how you do. You go to a place and eat and have a good time. You don't sit there with a whiny grin on your face and complain that this or that is not good enough.

There is no wrong in being critical. But there is a thing, where you can enjoy the company and be social and have fun. But they NEED to ruin the entire experience, you just simply can not have fun if there is a nitty picky thing that doesn't work for them.

Let's say I go out with someone else I know, my mother, my father, another friend except them. They won't complain. They'll enjoy the company, eat, and talk. Pay, and walk. And in your memory you'll have that, how nice that was.

I tried getting everyone to eat sushi once.
When they served miso-soup. One person said that it was "sauce".. No no I told him. It is not sauce. It is soup. You see, you get a spoon with ut.

But as usual. Nothing that I say counts. Either they don't hear me. Or they treat me like I do not know anything and I do not know what I am talking about. 

THEY don't know anything or know what they are talking about, that is the fact. So when I say that it is soup. It is Miso-soup. It doesn't matter, because friend A said it first, it is sauce, so friend B heard that first, it is sauce. And then I say again, it is not sauce, it is SOUP, you eat it like this and I show them when I take a spoon of soup. And with disgust they might look at me and say, you don't eat sauce like that! They will correct me and tell me how things are. It is sauce, It is. They will keep saying so until I give them proof or the waiter tells them what it is.. And once they figure out, they have to explain to me "This is not sauce Daniel, it is soup!". Yes, didn't I tell you a 100 times before?

It doesn't matter if I have eaten sushi 100 times before them, they will correct me and tell me how things is done.

And what did they do. 25 year old adults. Sitting there with a grin of disgust on their face. Saying. This is too little food. I need more. Picking away the fish bits, because they might be infected. It is raw fish, you can't eat raw fish, you can get worms. Just eating the rice. Not knowing what ginger is. Dont even try to taste it. "I need real food. I need meat". "I am not full. That sucked"... etc etc.

This, real food == meat. Is something that seems to be common among a certain type of person with lots and lots of co confidence. 99% men. But a very low IQ. I have no statistics on this. Bit from my experience. This is what I have seen.

I think this is something that is unique among my friends. But they refuse to listen to you. They very much like to lecture you and tell you how things work. 

Doesn't matter if I have 10 years of experience. They still know better than you. No exceptions.

I can't get this out of my head.

Shopping round, TP cables, icecream Sushi Etc.

So  I went on a shopping round. No matter how tired I was. I needed an extensioncoord for my headphones. They are way too short. And always pop out when I move a little. Irritating.

Also bought 40meter of TP cable to see if any of the other phone jacks works better with my ADSL. 0.5mbit upload is unbearable. ADSL modem is supposed to be in the first teleplug. And I rhink it is according to how it looks wired on the inside. But there is a mess of wires. Sp I am not completly sure. I do remember tjat it didn't matter which plug you used as long as therr were no other phones attached. And I have no other phones. The phone I have is connected to the ADSL modem (IP-telephone I assume). But there has to be something wrong. I have never had 0.5mbit upload speed. And when I am uploading it strangles the entire line (no duplex?). I hate having cables all across my apartment. But if it works well. I Hope I can attach it to the wall corners and that 40meters is enough.

Also bought sushi from another place this time. I liked this place much better. More ginger. They also has nice shopsticks that I bought.

Bought more tiramisu icecream. And some other stuff.

I was looking at the Lego Mindstorms set. It looks like fun. But I think it is a little bit too expensive. And for some reason it seems more difficult to get extra parts now than when it was new. Motors and sensors and things like that.
Anyway. Can't decide if I want that or a PS4 mgs5 special edition. Or a new fancy more expensive oscilloscope. I just know. I never going to spend much time with it.

And I need weeks or months on things like that. And I often worry that I dont have months to stay this healthy. I worry alot. And it sometimes brings me to tears. That there is all these stuff that I want to do. But I don't know when my life is going to be taken away from me.

The more I think about that game I want to make. The more imposssible it seems to be realised. Same thing with my electronics projects. Maybe I am stupid and expecting things to just work for me without any struggle or problems arriving along the way. Maybe I just want things to run smoothly for me.

Like with my objparser program. I got it to a state where it can read data and render it. And it works fine. But then I look at the specs on the OBJ format. And there are soo many things that it can hold. And I wish I could make it so that it can handle everyrhing

And then I dont know how to make things animate in 3d games. Do they really program the skeleton stuff and everyhing. Using 100's of models to animate like you would do if it was in 2d seems "wrong" when working with 3d.. how can I possibly write a program for movement. It has to be really simple... and I never got a good grip on collition detection. Not even in 2d games.... oh so much work.

New morning and new ideas

I went up a litttle bit earlier today. Not as tired as I used to be. Maybe it is because my father or Mother is here. I feel less freedom.

No I have not forgotten to eat my breakfast or medecine. That always worries my mother. But I feel better now. I sm s little bit more alert I think.

But that motivation to kick start some electronics project is just gonski. Like a swarm of small fish. Make a sudden move and they just vanish like the speed of light.

Oh. I don't know what to do. I have got gamed to play. Electronics to do. I almost feel like crying over how un-enthusiastic i feel.

I also have pain in my legs for walking to the store. It is just a 5 min walk. It is amazing how fast  muscles gets weak.

It's like wirh boiling water. It is easy to get it hot. But really difficult to cool it down.

Sometimed I am afriad that it is all my nedecine that kills my enrhusiasm and interests in electronics and hacking and programming.

Maybe I'll write another blogpost on the projects I have in my head

But it is dangerous. Think if EA or someone just comes along and says "please, ciese and desist". We already have thia idea but we are never going to makw the game. We are just holding this intellectual property so that nobody else can make the game .

I got an idea yesterday. Which already peobably exists. But it should be a small devicw that is under your skin. Not anymore complicated that the port a cath I alreadey have.

But it could constantly measure body temperature, oxygen level in blood. And maybe even bloodpressire if that is possible. Those are the standard tests that doctors always need to know. Then logged data can be downloaded using some sort of wireless communication. It could probably measure more things. Alcohole level in your blood. So that when you sit in your car it wont start. Boohoo on you.

The battery needs to be loaded via induction ofcourse. It needs to be easily replaced when it gets older. And no open ports under your skin. It must be completly sealed under the skin. Otherwise it can easily  get infected. I know this from my stupid PEG (feeding tube in my stomach)

But then there is also the negative side of this thing. The government sees the opportunity to add all sorts of data in this device. Resulting in making it more hackable also. More innocent hackers goes to jail just for showing the people how the government misuses this twchnology. That is most often how it ends up. Government wants to use it for identidicarion and have built in gps etc etc.

I wanted it to be a practical tool for people that needs it for medical reasons. What if ir could be of good help for people with diabetes. Or Low/high bloodpressure. In my case, sometimes lack of blood since I bleed from my mouth a little and need an extra refill.

What if it could send dats via wifi directly to the hospital. So rhey could monitor my body tempersture and other blood status values that is easy to measure without using some advanced equipment. For instance oxygen level in the blood jusr uses a little light diode that looks at the color of the blood vessels. The device that measures sugar values for diabetes patients also looks simple. But I am not sure of that. Blood pressure must use some baloon type thing and theb they count. That seems like a feature that would be difficult to implement in smsll electronic device.
Measuring pulse should not not be too hard .

Data should be sent using pgp.

And I hate the night, as usual

I just want to take some sleeping pills and anxiety pills just to get it over with, the night time I mean. I just want to wake up to a new day with no anxieties and lots of motivation to do things.

I have developed this thing against night time lately. I just can't stand the night anymore.

Everyone is gone, no one to chat with. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to do.
I am too tired to do anything at all. I feel completely left alone.

I know, if I look at my phone now. Someone has said "Goodnight".. Yeah, because they sleep well, and they wake up and do work, and earn money. And get back home feeling that they have done something. They go to parties in the weekends, I can't do that because I got to much medication that doesn't mix well with alcohol. And I don't really feel like partying anymore anyway. Waking up somewhere in the most uncomfortable way possible. In the same clothes I wore yesterday, not brushing my teeth. Smelling like a fart. And all those misarable things that comes after a party.

But night is just the most depressing part of the day. I don't want to sleep. I just want the day to continue like usual. :..(

It is so boring. I just want to do something. Something creative. But it is just, roadblock, traffic jam in my brain. There is nothing I can do. My confidence in programming is destroyed. My confidence in electronics is destroyed. Everything is gone. I know nothing any more. I just have all these ideas. But no knowledge how to realise them.

Once I take my pills for the night, I get so sleepy I can't do anything at all. But it will only keep me sleepy for about 1-2 hours, I can fall asleep and then I feel rested again. Then I can't sleep. If I don't take more temesta or other sleeping  pills to help me sleep.

I had such strange nightmares yesterday. I was swimming in a  stream of water. My sister was there. And the water was all brown and dirty. We were heading for an hotel. My father lived under a table in the middle of the woods. I tried speaking to him, but It was impossible. We continued swimming until we reached the hotel. And it was magnificent. I needed to take a shower. But it was difficult to get the key to my room. There were corridors everywhere. I don't remember much. I remember I went outside to town, and there was a store that sold retro games. Sometimes I wanted all the games they had. But I didn't have enough money.

Sometimes they had nothing I wanted.

Strange dreams. I have memories from other dreams I've had. I dreamt I was walking in the woods, and there was a huge monument over a reindeer or something. Made out of trees and bushes that had been cut in such a way that in resembled a reindeer. Or was it an elk/moose. I don't remember. I wanted to walk closer to it, but the close I got the larger the thing seemed to be, and further away it seemed to be. I don't think I ever reached it. But I found tunnels under ground, where you had to put in some secret code to open doors...

The most horrific dream I ever had was when I was dreaming I was going down on a escalator. And it was filled with people. Suddenly something happened to the escalator, or there was an earthquake and everyone fled. I didn't know where to run. So I just ran somewhere. For some reason I decided to hide inside an elevator, I thought that might be a safe place to be. Then the elevator turned out to be some kind of crushing machine.
It went smaller and smaller, and I could feel the air compress inside it and I tried shouting for help. But the walls was to thick. So it shrank smaller and smaller until I couldn't breath any more. The I woke up and took a deep breath. Wondering if I might have suffocated while sleeping. I was too afraid to go back to sleep that night.

I think that happened at the hospital. And I called for a nurse and I just said, "No, this is impossible, I can't sleep". And she asked me what I wanted. I said "I don't know", I thought "You should know, you're the expert on medecine here". She asked if I wanted Oxascand or a sleeping pill. And I *sighed*.. I don't know, how could I possibly know what I need. Try oxascand then. And I got a shot of it directly to the bloodstream and I went back to sleep.

Just now, I don't know how I feel. And I don't know what to do about it. Do I have angst? I don't know. I think I am just sad and lonley.

I just want to get started to build that first oscillator for my synth. I cant even get around how a 555 works. I cant even figure out how a constant current source works. I feel so frustraded. Why didn't I learn this when I was like twelve or something, it wouldn't have been a problem now. *sigh*

How come that some kids can just accomplish stuff, and I can't even do the most simple things. I mean the absolute most basic piece of electronics. And understand it, mathematically in theory, and do something with it. I might have been able to generate a signal once. But Then I have no clue how to make it drive a speaker. I just don't know. And then I want the numbers to be correct also.

Maybe I should write a blogpost about my trip to Amsterdam and OHM2013. That was so fun. Maybe  thinking back on that will help me a little.

Getting things done and motivation

Feeling like I have no motivation to start any of my dead projects.
I wanted to talk to my friends about my spacegame. But I reaĺly get no input. They are not interested. And I just got this heavy feeling of boredom that I don't know what to do about.

I was talking to someone online. Or if it was IRL, or on a forum. Can't remember. Maybe it was in a dream.

Anyway I was talking about this problem I have. And maybe it is common  among electronics engineers.

A project is very fun from the start. You have lots of  ideas you think is great, but then getting half of them being thrown in the trashcan. Because they didn't fit customer demands  (although I thought they did) or battery low-power demands (which are sometimes ridicoulous, sometimes its like they want a lear jet but no added energy consumption from the device, energy must be free).

And constantly hearing from coworkers, when I have an idea I get told "you can't do this because of my thing here won't work then etc etc".

And someone else decides that the best solution for some problem I have is this circuit needs to be added in my device. Al tough my own solution is so much more simple, and would definitely work. Just add this extra wire, no hassle.

But I get no backup -because, I'm the newbie, the student, the person that does NOT have their 30+ experience in the field. And then in the end my product dies and stalls my project for years. It doesn’t feel good when ny boss expects it to be fully functonal now. When code is stiĺl stuck somewhere in in a side branch or some thing just because I have been troubleshooting for months and months on this circuit that someone else added into my design.

So they blame it on lack of documentation. There is documentation. But  I was  specifically told not to include any information on how to program the devices. It wasn't interesting you said... But now that they need it, there is apparently lack of lack of documentation

The few times when I have tried to raise my voice at work, "Hello! I think this problem actually is kind of random!".

"-No, it isn't!". Boss tells us we need too cooperate, "Troubleshoot this problem in this way and don't think outside of the box". Coworker thinks newlygraduated engineers are unreliable... just look at my  previous unfinished products for example. So I can not be trusted. I feel more or less useless, alot of the time. And I keep troubleshooting in this meaninless fashion, trying to achieve what? really?

In the end, the problem was resolved by a person who has much more space and time to think outside the box, -"So, the problem is kind of random really, we were just *lucky* to find it".

But that's work.

Completely different story. And I don't need to work now.

I am thinking about  all my half finished projects at home.. have I written about that before? yeah I think so, that old space game project

I have no motivation. My solution is.

You just start anyway, and keep starting again, over and over. it's hard work to get something you like doing and keep liking it

It would be fun to be on this spaceship. Kind of like in Silent  Running. You need to be close to the sun in orbit. To get sun for your food to grow and power for you solar panels. You would to have these programmable droids. That can do things.

Yet again, I feel Like there's soo much work. There are some problems than I know of can be solved by using ODE (Open Dynamics Engine) for example. I'm not a very good designer.

I don't remember where I wrote this before, but It would be nice to have some friends that can help motivate each other.

At this point though, I really feel like the depression is taking over 110%

There is not much I can do.

I have not done anything with my quite expensive electronics lab so far. I which I knew what to do. I have this idea to use my nixie tubes to show outside and inside temperature and clock. Need to build a power supply for that. Really don't know much about that. Yet..

I have ideas that has just been laying here, waiting, for weeks. And *poof* one day I'm gone. And all this is for nothing really.

I think what is most important is to try and get back that motivation to do something. The is the most difficult part for me.

Fika: Found some other stuff and thinking back at my Japan trip.

While I was looking for my phone charger I found some some other stuff that I've forgotten about.

I had bought this coaster from Gundam café in Tokyo. I think I bought it in Odaiba at the Gundam store in Diver City.

It is in rubber so it doesn't glide around, that is good.

Fika with coaster in action. I bought the mug at Manga Museum in Kyoto

Also in Diver City I ate at the coolest sushi place I've been to, Premium Sushi. And I also went to the only maid café in Diver City. My travel friend never wanted to visit a maid café again. So it was the only one I went to, it was quite small. But I put on bunny ears and then they started to sing one of their songs, that was  quite fun :) I regret not buying the album, lol :)

Maybe it meant something that I put on those bunny ears, because a group of young men cheered at me, lol :)

My friend never wanted to go to a maid café again because he thought they they were "too loud". So that was boring, I think the maid café's was quite fun. I wanted to go to one of the bigger and most famous ones in Akihabara.

Another friend told me to stay away from maid cafés because "they're prostitues". Never heard such stupid prejudicement before.

Yeah, OK, maybe he could be right, Maybe he had read somewhere online, that maybe there is a maid café somewhere in some ghetto in the outskirts of Tokyo where the Yakuza roam there is a maid café with prositutes. But that every single maid café, and especially in the middle of Akihabara? I don't think so.

And by the way, I don't want to live my life being afraid of everything. That has always been a problem with my group of friends. EVERYTHING is dangerous.

It was the same when I went to Amsterdam, someone told me "Stay away from red light district"... And my reaction was like, *huh* ?
I think the red light district was the first place I went to the first day I was there, and I didn't even think about it, because families with their children went through Bloedstraat, and that didn't seem like a big problem!?
I was there during daytime though, and there were some half naked ladies in the windows. Yeah, OK, so?
 I have for a long time hated that I have such a ultra boring circle of friends. Absolotely everything is dangerous to do, except for the "leader" who thinks that everything is "misarable" to do. The leader of the group can lead everyone into this "dangerous" situation in a way so they can feel safe. I don't know how he does it, but appearently they trust him more. They can never see me as a leader. This friendship has had the worst influence on me, because sometimes I felt I missed to do so many things I always wanted to do, because I always needed to do them alone. While they never needed to do anything alone.

And I have wanted to end the relationship completly many many times, without success. But they don't really seem to take me very serious when I say so. They just come over and visit whenever they want to anyway, and that is when they got time over for me. I, however is always exoected to have time

I can have fun with them sometimes, but we have such different interests.

I went to the Roger Waters concert in Globen alone, I think that was the first time I decided to do something I wanted to and not expect anyone else to follow. The leader always gets people to follow him to places when he wants to. I can't do that.

But I am so glad that I fought myself out of those handgloves and prison uniform that it felt I had for such a long time that I spent time with them. And went to Amsterdam OHM2013 hacker festival 2013, the coolest thing I ever been to, and I went on my dreamtrip Japan in 2014.
One of my friends did follow me to Japan and followed like a ghost on my trip that I had planned out, I don't think he had any other agenda than to visit Akihabara and look at some arcade machines and accessories, or Akahabra or how the h*ll the pronounced it, always screaming it out everytime he could read it on the subway maps or they said in the speakers. I so often felt embarred around him, I often thought "please please, behave and shut up". He didn't even know what Shibuya was, I had to explain that several times. And I got the feeling that he wasn't really impressed about the place as I was. He didn't have a clue about Tokyo/Japan and it's famous places.

I wanted to eat japaneese food and spend time in traditional japaneese places, however, I didn't want to start any trouble and fights durin the trip so I had to suffer through watching him eat McDonalds over and over. He often asked me "But shouldn't you eat food?"... In my mind I thought "This is not food", out of my my mouth came "I want to eat japaneese food when I am in Japan", in which he would interrupt and/or not listen or not understand.

I refuse to eat McDonalds when I am traveling. I want local food. But that was appeantly "dangerous". I did get to eat at a nice little place in Kyoto once, but I also had to listen to the constant complaints on how difficult it was to sit on the floor. I myself got nosebleed when I sat down, I'm not either used to siting down and eat. But I guess it is something you get used to,

And the Hostel we stayed on in Kyoto didn't impress him much. He slept underneath the futon, on the floor with the matress on top because he tought it was cold. I woke up in the morning because he had set the AC to 50 degrees celsius *sigh*

We woke up very early in the morning and asked if we could leave as early as possible, He never was in such a hurry to get away from anything any other part of the trip. Escpecially not that day when he slept till 12 in our ordinary hotel room. And I was just feeling, f*ck, we are wasting time now, but still didn't really know what to do that day. Most of my plans was done,  except going to Nikko which I wanted to do. But I never got a serious motivation back from him, he never helped motivate to get out and see things. I had to be the driving force, and I never had a problem with that, I don't mean that. It was just some days that I wish he could have helped a little.

I just said, "No, we are going to stay here for a while and have a morning coffee and socialize a little with the people downstairs". Because we only stayed one night at that very nice hostel.

He wasn't in a hurry after visiting the Manga Museum, when we had limited time left to go to the Fushimi Inari before the last train back to Tokyo left, then he wanted an hour long fika for some reason. Whenever he asked what we were going to do next I had to explain, I could say "Fushimi Inari shrine, it is a cool place", and get a response like "Fishamisha what?". And I just got this irritation building up inside of me. At the same time feeling that we don't have time to relax just now, but still shut up about it because I didn't want to start trouble.

I had e-mailed him my entire plan for this trip, I had it written down in a document. All the places we would visit and in what order to get as much as possible, And I just knew that he had not even looked at it at all. Or maybe if he had looked at it a little, he had not studied it in detail. We always talked how we both so badly wanted to go to Japan, I actually thought he had some interest in Japan and different famous places.

Sometimes I wish I went alone anyway. I loved that hostel, (Oh, I don't remember the name of it now but I can look it up later). It was close to Nijo Temple. And the people working there spoke perfect english, and I even think they spoke Mandarin from what I could hear.

When I was in a healtyh state, I always wanted to go to Germany. To Mosel and the beautiful scenery around there. I was there when I was 11 or 12, and always wanted to visit it again. Now I don't really feel like it anymore.

But when I presented the idea, it was "Do they have McDonalds", I don't know. So it was a definitive no. But they do have very nice scenery and very nice places to sit and drink beer and eat good food. Something that is appriciated otherwise. But not when the idea comes from me, only when it comes from the leader.

I shouldn't really complain on my friends. We had some really fun times together. But I am very very different from them. I don't really fit in. I am more positive, they're more negative. And since they have the right to complain about everything, about my games being to complicated or my music being boring or my interests being boring etc etc etc, I don't even remember how much I've heard about me or my ideas being "misarable" and boring.. So I think I got to complain on them as mush as I want to right now.

And I kind of made it sound like I hated my trip to Japan. I didn't, it was one of the best things I have ever done in my life. And I am so glad I did it before I got sick. Who would now I would get this sick really.

Sometimes I wonder why I got the impulse to do the Japan trip in 2014, just before I did the biopsy in my cheekbone. Really, the day after I came home from Japan I did that. It could just have been a random impulse that happen to come right in time, but being agnostic, I'm not quite certain about that.

I also found these nice postcards, I had written adresses on all of them but never written anything on them. I never sent them. I'll hang some of them on my fridge I think. Especially the two bottom ones.

Postcards that I never sent.

Cancer cures and testing american food

So currently, these are the three things I eat daily to cure my cancer.

Apricot seeds, bicarbonate and ascorbit acid.

I wonder if part of the cure is that you have to believe in it 100% also. I don't know. I am sceptical, but I have nothing else. And I don't think it will kill me eating this everyday.

If I should  really do this, I probably should stop eating so much candy and sugar....

I opened that bag of ascorbit acid also. It had a sting in my nose :)

Talking about food....

I've seen in american movies that they eat peanutbutter and jam. I've seen it in s movie once when the mother prepares the lunchbox with a sandwich with peanutbutter and jam.

And I have always wanted to try that.

Maybe I dont have the right bread. But yeah.

Peanut butter is not that bad. But it is so dry. I need something to drink with it.
But with jam also, I dont know :/

It is too sweet.

In Sweden where I grew up nobody I knew had lunchbox with them to school,  we just ate the lunch we got from school.

Except in (what I think would be called) pre-school. That is when you are 5-6 years old. The year before real school starts.

Then we had a lunchbox with us to school, and not the metal kind that Marilyn Manson sings about. I don't think we had lunchboxes specially designed to be lunchboxes. But for me it was a used and cleaned old plastic box for icecream.

It would usually be, tunnbröd, a rolled thin bread with messmör. I loved that. Maybe a banana or apple or other kind of fruit, maybe kiwi sometimes. Or other kind of bread with cheese. That is what I can remember I got in my lunchbox back then.

Eternal life and other thoughts

I got this random bible verse today... And it boosted a very long thought process. So I will just write down whatever flows through my mind.

John 6:47 ()
47 Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life.

When I was 5 or 6 years old, I was thinking often about death. I remember thinking what would happen if I was ran over by a car. I remember thinking something about how much that could hurt, and what happens when you die. So I wanted to have superpowers. Like Superman. That would be good because then I couldn't get hurt and I could also handle bullies and help others. But another thing, actually being someone that people liked to be with, and hang out with. I often felt invisible. And I was physically weak, a perfect bully victim.

I also thought, at that time that I didn't want to die, it seemed horrible. But this would change to the opposite later when I saw a movie. Appearently my understanding of eternity at that age was at a point where I understood that eternity doesn't have an ending, logical and simple. There could be a beginning, but no end. And that living for an eternity seemed like a nightmare. I mean, what if I get bored? What will I do when I have seen, experienced everything there is to do. What will I do then?

I had seen a movie. I think it was called Death Becomes Her. They had a potion drink or something that would make you immortal. The movie was really a comedy. But this idea of eternal life suddenly became horrific for me.

I felt that. It would be much more nice to die some day, than live forever. Because of alot of reasons.

Christians has told me, that this idea comes fron Satan. Satan puts these thoughts in your heads so that we won't belive in Christ/God. So that an eternal life will scare us from beliving in the real God.

But I have found that christians just use Satan as a very good tool that you can pick up and use whenever there is something that doesn't make sense in the bible.

But also, there is this idea that I have. God is so complex that my simple mind cannot understand what is meant by the eternal life after death that Jesus spoke about. So as a believer I have to trust that God is good and has good intentions. I won't get bored in heaven, I wont have the material needs I have now, I wont have any desires for anything really that I have in this life.

But I am still scared of dying, maybe not so scared of being dead. But scared of the actual process of dying, the undescribable pain and panic that comes before it. That scares me alot. ALOT.

If everyone here on this planet would live for an eternity. It wouldn't work. The population would just increase and increase. Until there is no space left on the planet to live on. I figured this out when I was 6 or something. But whenever I would speak with anyone about it, they would respond in a way that I was being stupid. Even some adults laughed a little and said I didn't understand things very good, seriously. I think it was them who didn't understand me to be honest. I've even told this to adults at my age now,  "think about what would happen if everyone lived forever" and they've said that they have not thought about that before. Which baffled me a little.

My brother who is 6 years older than me. Told me when I was 5 or 6, that eventually the sun will get old and expand, destroying earth and all life on it. I told this to kids in school, but they just laughed at me and said I had too much imagination.

Most horrible of all was when I told my teacher this. I don't know if it was in physics in 7th to 9th grade or if it was 5th to 6th grade. What ever... any way there was some discussion or something in the class and I raised my hand and said "But eventually, earth will die too. The sun will die. It will expand and destroy the earth with it and later form a black hole. Not in our lifetime. But it will happen"... And I remember this teacher being so confused, maybe he/she even laughed at me. And then did he/she really tell me that it wasn't true? I actually think he/she did.
I actually think he/she even laughed about it, and asked me who had told me this. Making me feel like I had been fooled by some scientology church or something. I didn't answer who had told this to me. But if he/she wanted to he/she could have watched any science program on TV,, disvocery channel or any thing like that.

I was really upset about this. That my response wasn't being taken seriously. When it is based on real scientific facts. I got bad grades in physics in school.

I remember that there was a question in a test once about life on other planets, something like "Do you believe in life on other planets". So it was a quiestion that didn't really have a correct answer. And I had answered: "If there are so many many planets and solar systems in space. And even if the chances of intelligent or not intelligent life to form is so so small. There might still be a possibility that there could be  life on other planets".

The teacher had written a questionmark on my answer and gave me zero points. I might have misunderstood the question? But at the time I didn't understand why he gave me bad grades. He came with it to me and asked me to explain it. And I was confused because it made perfect sense for me.

Yeah, so back to eternal life again...

So what God means about eternal life is a mystery to me. Ofcourse, I understand that it can not be eternal life in this world we live now. But somewhere else where eternal life would work.

So yeah, what if everyone on this planet had eternal life. What would we do once the earth and sun dies. Just floating around in space constantly suffocating for an eternity.

No, it must be a law of nature. Everything must die. Otherwise nothing would work. There is a constant natural recycling process going on.

I know, I am not a 100% a convinced christian beliver. It is too difficult for me.

I love when I studied electronics engineering in school, and I was reading in in the books or being at some lecture or doing some excercise. I could sometimes get this *Aha* or Eurika moment, where I see that the math and the theories from different areas, magnetic fields, electrons, radiation etc etc.. fits together.
And doing the experiments to prove it was the most fun.

I hated math in school before I went to the university. I never got my grades in math actually. It wasn't until I got to do math outside of a classroom environment, alone, by myself that I discovered that math was really very fun. Otherwise I would never have been able to get a degree in electronics engineering.

It was so fun too see the numbers fit together and being correct after all those pages of formulas that it took to solve some problem.

At the time I was studying electronics engineering I wanted to have all this electroincs equipment at home, because back then my mind was filled with motivation. I wanted to sit in the lab and experiment for hours and hours, long into night if it was possible. And not get interrupted by teachers and other things. The lab time we had was too short.

But now when I got all this stuff at home.  I don't know what to do. I can't really find inspiration.

So yeah....

I am buying some more songs on Rocksmith. I think that the mix of genres is quite narrow. It is called "Rock"-smith ofcourse. But anyway.

Would be fun if they had some Pink Floyd. That is not maybe the easiest kind of music to play. But anyway.

So far my mastery in Blitzkrieg Bop is the best. Then comes Paint It Black. Something around 70%.

I took some oxynorm for the pain.. and now I can't focus my left eye properly and I have double vision. I have to look with one eye.

And I keep falling asleep when doing things. My mind drifts off in a totally different direction.. My coffe is getting cold. Need to heat it up.

Actually, just thinking about coffe gives me a little positive boost.

Seriously. I keep falling asleep constantly now. I somtimes can't notice the difference between reality and dreams. I can go into a sleep process and keep writing anyway, then dropping my phone and see that I have written random letters.

I shake my head and try to wake up. Works  little bit.

I also can't let go of ny ESD mat installation. I have to, HAVE to make sure that it works like it is suppsed to. I can write about that too for ages. Must have sat here and written this for several hours now.. I was supposed to play Rocksmith.