Thursday, 10 September 2015

122 streak in Rocksmith and other thoughts

I got a 122 streak in Blitzkrieg Bop this morning. :)

I am getting better. But only in this song. Lol :P

I don't know what todo. I have so many dead electronics projects.

Wanted to make a wireless nintendo controller once. Found these good bluetooth modules we used at work..RN42.

I bought a FT800 devkit. Never used it.
Never made anything with my DE0-nano devit. Or my MAXII devkit either. Don't know what todo. Wanted to make my own cpu.

I bought these 2.4Ghz modules from microchip that I never got up and running.

They made it so difficult. Because they are basically just empty modules that needs to be loaded with some stack. MiWi or ZigBee or whatever. And I don't know how that works. Either they made it so "easy and userfriendly" that it got completly unuserfriendly it can possibly be, unless you buy more stuff from Microchip. Buy more devkits and software... but it's so unessecary when it comes to modules built upon SoC. You can't really buy just a SoC and get it working very easily. But you can buy it on a pre made module. Like the telegesis ZigBee or the XBee. But microchips....whatever it is called. Doesn't just run and communicate when getting power. It just lies there silent. Because it has no software in it. So how do I get it running MiWi?

The software library I am told to download doesn't work. It doesn't unpack in Linux, it doesn't even give me an error message. Is it broken or something? I bet it works like a charm under windows. But I am not really interested in using Windows.

I don't have any friends with common interests really. I don't have anyone to discuss ideas with or ask for help. Well the friends I have are "experts" in everything, so whatever knowledge I have in electronics is quite useless for them. I would not be the first person to ask if there's somerhing they want to know. I would be the last one.

They look at my stuff as being ridiculous and boring. I always need to hear bullshit everytime I use my computer and need to say "I can't do that. I got Linux" (and by the way I am not interested). I remember how much a friend laughed at me when I bought my first multimeter, that it was so fun and ridiculous he had to laugh and tell everyone that I bought a multimeter. That is how it is. I really need to fight and fight to keep my interests and enthusiasm up all the time. I am completly alone. There is no one to keep things going with.

I think,  that in their mind I don't really know more in electronics than they do. They know better most of the time. I usually get told how to do stuff that are really simple and basic. Like, lets explain to you what pixels on a screen are. Yeah, I know I used to program scaling algorithms in Mode 13h when you still tried to beat the final boss in Quake 1. They don't let me in to a discussion if there's something I understand so much better than them. I can't start a discussion because it doesn't interest them.

It doesn't help that that someone also has zero memory. I was just told to look up this RS "have you ever heard of them". Oh yes, I just told you two messages back. And maybe also for the last 3 years I've been working. Telling you to look this site up that we order stuff from at work. But the thing is. It doesn't count until they find it themselves.

 It is once they discover this "new thing". Then it gets stuck in their head. Like when I worked in Uddevalla and always ate lunch out, and a new restaurant opened that was really good. But getting my friends to eat there was one of the most difficult things that I ever did. They have sallad I said. "But I want real food not some damn sallad". Meat, meat,  real food. Yes they got a menu with meat in it.

It wasn't until someone else claimed the HE "discovered" this place first. When in reality I took him there once to eat, just me and him. Then, it took off, and they wanted to eat there all the time. Ofcourse never in their life tried anything else on the menu for the restaurants entire lifetime than the menu option with meat in it. And. Yeah. Ofcourse I have to be the one going getting cancer. The one who is not afraid of vegetarian food.

I don't know why it have to be like this. It is some kind of "status" thing I think. Or I am just unfortunate to meet these really stupid people. It is sad however that they never got to experience some of the better lunch places I tried over the years. So I guess it is more their loss than mine anyway when it comes to that.

When it comes to knowledge in electronics or anything else. They've heard what the experts say on Flashback or whatever... I don't really have any knowledge. I use my intuition, how well do I understand electronics and how logical and plausible might something be. And guess the answer. And I might be wrong to some extent, usually I am closer to being right.

But this ofcourse makes my knowledge laughable. And I don't really know anything. Truth is. It is completly impossible to know everything in electronics. It is not realistic. Even people with 30 years of experience needs to look up things in formula collection books and google for simple circuits from time to time.

I am quite useless. That is how I feel anyway. I wish I understood electronics so much better. A bachelors degree doesn't help at all. It doesn't mean anything to anyone else either. And also the truth is. Because once you're done with school, all that wonderful knowledge just dissipates and slowly goes away unless you keep it alive and work on it all the time.

And I think it is so damn hard to keep my motivation and enthusiasm up. I don't get that automatically. I mostly just feel like doing nothing at all.

Sometimes it feels like my brain is just standing still. It doesn't want to do anything. Not playing games, not doing any electronics or programming. Just being shut off while being awake. Maybe eating is the best thing I know then.

It gets more difficult to learn new things when you get older I've heard. I don't have the same enthusiasm and motivation as I used to. It more depressing now.

I am just walking around here at home. Waiting for something seriously dangerous to happen with my cancer. And get my life taken away from me. Because if I end up in the hospital. That is pretty much equal to taking someones life away from them.

Some people seem to think that, if I have my computer at the hospital (my laptop). I suddenly have all I need. I can "play games" as they say. I am a hardcore Linux user though. I haven't got my second graphics card to good uae in my laptop. And even if I could play some game, if the game doesn't immerse me, It doesn't interest me. It interests me much much more to be creative.

Some people play these games like, candy crush saga and so on. That is what "games" are for them. But I grew up with games. I know that there are great games with a deep story that can immerse you and get you sucked into a gameworld, just like watching a movie. Just much better I think.

Lol, I remember one time when I told someone this and she reaponded "that is very dangerous and you must stop doing that". Immersing yourself into fantasy worlds that is. I told her that I loved Harry Potter because it was such a cosy and nice world to be in, and how I loved imagining myself in it. But this was appearebtly a big No No and very dangerous for you. Games or movies the same. But appearently religion is completly OK to get into. I think the opposite though. You can get deeply involved in the gameworld when you're playing it. But once you shut the game off, you're back into reality.

It's not the same as getting involved in a religion as she seem to think. In a religion you live in that all the time. In a game or a fantasy book or a movie you shut off and get back to reality. In religion, your beliefs IS your reality. You don't shut off and forget about it when you get bored. You need dedication to keep that going. I don't have that at all. I am a daydreamer, yes, my teachers always said that. But I can't keep beliving in something that doesn't seem realistic, and almost reminds me of fantasy sometimes. I just simply can't belive it is reality. So I cannot understand why immersing myself into the Harry Potter world could do any harm at all.

And if you happen to choose the wrong religion. You might get really brain washed and wacky and nuts. Can't happen with a game. A game is just temporary, and it doesn't force you to change anything in your lifestyle.

It's actually the people who tell you that enjoying fantasy are the ones who are at any danger. They are too naive, too gullible, they'll belive in anything they read.

I know I have some bibleverses here and there in this blog. I really do enjoy parts of the bible. But I have problems believing in it 100% and dedicating myswelf to that kind of lifestyle.

Some people are so strange. I had a nurse here one day. And she asked about my guitar. And she asked what I played. Anf I said I play this game, Rocksmith. I've mostly played that song blitzkrig bop with Ramones. And I have it really really hard to speak with a tumour in my mouth (think john merrick, elephant man). And she constantly  had to ask me to repeat. I said "Blitzkrieg Bop, by Ramones"

And she reaponded. "Ramones, is that what it is called?". And I just thought. What a typical hockeymum answer. I wonder how these people live their lives. They haven't heard an extremly famous song by one of the biggest punk rock bands that ever existed. What do they do in life. Do they only exist to produce children, and just live with the natural flow. These people never get sick. They travel to thailand with their family, because it is the cheapest. Their children eats swedish meatballs and mashed potatoes. They play in the ocean a little. Get a little skinburn. Get home. Get back to work. Children gets older, and by just some automatic process they suddenly have girlfriends/boyfriends. And life goes on, and there's a new "standard" family. 

Until someone odd like me is born. I don't want to go out. I want to be with the computer. I have friends online. I want to learn programming. The parents doesn't really understand what I am doing. But they start getting afriad that it is something dangerous. Because everything they don't understand is ofcourse dangerous. I buy some electronics components

"You're not allowed to plug that into the computer. You'll burn down the house"

"But it is only a 5V output. It is protected in so many ways, nothing can happen..." 

But no no. Not allowed. Not allowed to learn anything. I am so jealous of the kids who got parents that encoured their children in their interests. I had to fight really hard to keep my motivation anf enthusiasm when I was young. Even if I really tried to explain what I did. Nodoby could understand. It really kills your motivation. I never was good at keeping my enthusiasm up. When I was a teenager, I was enrhusiastic and motivated. But I had no tools. And no money to get any tools. I couldn't ask my father for a multimeter. Because he didn't know what it was, and in his mind it wad probably something dangerous that could hurt me.

I think the biggest fault you can do when raising someone is not to let them do any mistakes. My father always wanted me to do correct the first time doing something. If I did something wrong he took the tools out of my hands and did the job himself, "look here this is how you do it". But I don't learn by looking. I learn by doing. And I think most people do.

And then he could say something like "I thought daniel could do this but he doesn't want to". But he only let me try once, saw that I failed and then just push me away. I never said that I didn't want to do it.

I have learnt that you have to fail and fail and fail over and over again until you get it right.

My father doesn't have patience. I think that is it.

When I had my computer. I could fail and fail and fail over again. And nobody knew. My father didn't know what I did with the computet. He didn't understand it. So it was much easier to learn stuff there. Except in electronics. Because anything plugged into the wall outlet was extremly dangerous. I have only recently been able to get some good electronics equipment. That feel fun. But now all my motivation and enthusiasm is gone.

Oh. I remember once when a relative passed away. He worked with electronics repair. And they told me I could get his instruments. That was really fun. But when I saw what he got. It was really old rusty stuff. I couldn't understand how he possibly could use anything of that for anything. He had nothing of good use. No multimeters. No oscilloscopes. I saw some amateur radio equipment I think. And some other people had probably taken stuff of any value already. I was never allowed to look what he had really. 

They more or less just told me to stay away. I was just being in the way while they were throwing away stuff before I had any time to look at what is was. And if I did find something that looked interesting my fathers response was more like "no I don't want more crap into my house". However what I did get in the end WAS all the crap. A box full of cables and some useless homebuilt instruments with dried out electrolytic caps, that I had no idea what they were used for. The only thing was this radio reciever. Don't know if it works.

Many years later I bought my first oscilloscope. A digital Rigol DS1152. And my uncle asked if it was one of the things I got from this relative.... I was  just like "Huh? He didn't have things like this, nothing I got from him I had any use of. This is new stuff I bought myself"... "Oh, I thought it was old. Maybe they made it look old."... Seriously.No. they didn't have colored lcd screens in the 70's.

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