Saturday, 12 September 2015

And I hate the night, as usual

I just want to take some sleeping pills and anxiety pills just to get it over with, the night time I mean. I just want to wake up to a new day with no anxieties and lots of motivation to do things.

I have developed this thing against night time lately. I just can't stand the night anymore.

Everyone is gone, no one to chat with. Nobody to talk to. Nothing to do.
I am too tired to do anything at all. I feel completely left alone.

I know, if I look at my phone now. Someone has said "Goodnight".. Yeah, because they sleep well, and they wake up and do work, and earn money. And get back home feeling that they have done something. They go to parties in the weekends, I can't do that because I got to much medication that doesn't mix well with alcohol. And I don't really feel like partying anymore anyway. Waking up somewhere in the most uncomfortable way possible. In the same clothes I wore yesterday, not brushing my teeth. Smelling like a fart. And all those misarable things that comes after a party.

But night is just the most depressing part of the day. I don't want to sleep. I just want the day to continue like usual. :..(

It is so boring. I just want to do something. Something creative. But it is just, roadblock, traffic jam in my brain. There is nothing I can do. My confidence in programming is destroyed. My confidence in electronics is destroyed. Everything is gone. I know nothing any more. I just have all these ideas. But no knowledge how to realise them.

Once I take my pills for the night, I get so sleepy I can't do anything at all. But it will only keep me sleepy for about 1-2 hours, I can fall asleep and then I feel rested again. Then I can't sleep. If I don't take more temesta or other sleeping  pills to help me sleep.

I had such strange nightmares yesterday. I was swimming in a  stream of water. My sister was there. And the water was all brown and dirty. We were heading for an hotel. My father lived under a table in the middle of the woods. I tried speaking to him, but It was impossible. We continued swimming until we reached the hotel. And it was magnificent. I needed to take a shower. But it was difficult to get the key to my room. There were corridors everywhere. I don't remember much. I remember I went outside to town, and there was a store that sold retro games. Sometimes I wanted all the games they had. But I didn't have enough money.

Sometimes they had nothing I wanted.

Strange dreams. I have memories from other dreams I've had. I dreamt I was walking in the woods, and there was a huge monument over a reindeer or something. Made out of trees and bushes that had been cut in such a way that in resembled a reindeer. Or was it an elk/moose. I don't remember. I wanted to walk closer to it, but the close I got the larger the thing seemed to be, and further away it seemed to be. I don't think I ever reached it. But I found tunnels under ground, where you had to put in some secret code to open doors...

The most horrific dream I ever had was when I was dreaming I was going down on a escalator. And it was filled with people. Suddenly something happened to the escalator, or there was an earthquake and everyone fled. I didn't know where to run. So I just ran somewhere. For some reason I decided to hide inside an elevator, I thought that might be a safe place to be. Then the elevator turned out to be some kind of crushing machine.
It went smaller and smaller, and I could feel the air compress inside it and I tried shouting for help. But the walls was to thick. So it shrank smaller and smaller until I couldn't breath any more. The I woke up and took a deep breath. Wondering if I might have suffocated while sleeping. I was too afraid to go back to sleep that night.

I think that happened at the hospital. And I called for a nurse and I just said, "No, this is impossible, I can't sleep". And she asked me what I wanted. I said "I don't know", I thought "You should know, you're the expert on medecine here". She asked if I wanted Oxascand or a sleeping pill. And I *sighed*.. I don't know, how could I possibly know what I need. Try oxascand then. And I got a shot of it directly to the bloodstream and I went back to sleep.

Just now, I don't know how I feel. And I don't know what to do about it. Do I have angst? I don't know. I think I am just sad and lonley.

I just want to get started to build that first oscillator for my synth. I cant even get around how a 555 works. I cant even figure out how a constant current source works. I feel so frustraded. Why didn't I learn this when I was like twelve or something, it wouldn't have been a problem now. *sigh*

How come that some kids can just accomplish stuff, and I can't even do the most simple things. I mean the absolute most basic piece of electronics. And understand it, mathematically in theory, and do something with it. I might have been able to generate a signal once. But Then I have no clue how to make it drive a speaker. I just don't know. And then I want the numbers to be correct also.

Maybe I should write a blogpost about my trip to Amsterdam and OHM2013. That was so fun. Maybe  thinking back on that will help me a little.

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