Thursday, 17 September 2015

Even more Amiibos and Splatoon and thinking about my friends again.

I don't know what has happened to me. I told myself to not buy so many Amiibos. But then I saw some of them were so quickly sold out that I just wanted them. I got the Ness Amiibo that I wanted.
Oh, all these Amiibos.. What am I doing :| But I really wanted the Ness Amiibo :)
Also. Bought Splatoon. I don't know why. I didn't think it looked like a game for me when I first saw it. But sometimes you can find games you really like this way. It looks boring, doesn't look like your type of game. And then you play it and just love it.. So we will see. I wrote yesterday what I thought about deathmatch shooters like that. I always suck at them because I can't aim. And my friends are always so much better at those kinds of games, I also have quite some low self esteem or what you can call it. I have it difficult when others laugh at you for failing all the time or often.. I've grown away from this for the most part. But still.

I'll try splatoon later.

Sometimes I buy games because I want friends to come over and have fun and play. I remember we had so much fun with 007 Golden Eye for N64. But I had other friends back then too. It didn't do so much that I lost often. And sometimes I was even quite skilled on it. I think we were on the same level overall. My friend had beaten some really hard levels and locked up everything. I never did that. But when we played multiplayer we had fun.

(And if you want to continue reading from here. I know I will be complaining and complaining about my friends and how they ruin things for me. My trips and my parties. Etc etc. I just feel sometimes I want to get things off my chest when it comes to them. And after I wrote this I really feel that I did. I feel no more irritation or anger over past events. Things are better now. I might aswell delete it now. But I will keep it.)

With the friends I got now. It is. I think impossible to have fun in a multiplayer deathmatch game. If you can stand the loudness of E's laughter. And his always so clever ways to win a game. Or stand the shit you have to take if he happens to suck at the game. C however might master the game in such a way that you simply don't have a chance. Just forget it. No games like that used to be much more fun.

I have a friend that we always play games at. And it is often Mario Kart Double Dash. And once I bought four gamecube controllers so that we could play it also when they are at my place.

Once when we talked about something. Like, how it is always so fun at M's place because we can play Mario Kart. Then I said, "But we can play Mario Kart at my place too now.". And we had done that once so they knew. But the reaction I got was just a blank stare. I don't know what we talked about after that.

I remember when we did play Mario Kart at my place. And one of my friends was shaking the controller up and down in the air in large motions so that my gamecube or Wii was jumping on the floor (not good for the laser for the disc reader btw) while laughing hysterically over this for some reason. Something was fun because the cable was too short for him, maybe, I don't know. At M's place he has wireless gamecube controllers. We never played Mario Kart at my place again. Not because I didn't want to. But because they never want to, or they have forgotten that I have it or something.

It was the same when he played with my guitar. He took it and held it so that the wire was almost popping out. But instead of doing anything about that. Like moving or something he kept stretching it until it popped out and then laughing hysterically over this. This always puts the idea in my mind that it is something wrong with me. I have done something wrong so that he is not pleased. Or it is always someone else's fault that he cannot find full enjoyment. He cannot simply adapt a little bit. And he probably has a very clever answer on this, on why he cannot adapt.

I notice I have been talking about my friends alot during the last posts. And how much they have irritated me over the years.

Ideas start to get into my head like, I am actually quite pleased that my life is so short now. Because I never felt I had any really good friends. Real friends that care, and don't try to ruin things for you alot of the time.

That is a thing with E. He sometimes without remorse, deliberately really wants to ruin a good experience for you. This has happened. I can't remember a good example right now... Oh, maybe I'll remember something later.

I remember once when I wanted to celebrate my birthday. I had bought cake or what it was that we could have with some coffee. I was probably 27 or something like that. Not 18.. And cake and coffee is something that I enjoy very much.

However. Once people started drinking. They were on top of each other wrestling in my sofa. Someone, think it was E. Took a bag of chips and smashed it like a blown up paperbag, laughing and laughing. The sofa was tipped over... I was so *not happy* at this time.

We were leaving to go out. The sofa still tilted on its back. Nobody cared about this. I tried lifting the sofa back up. And I asked nicely. "C, can you please take the other corner and...". And I wasn't even finished with my sentance. He being probably 20times stronger than me just took the sofa in one corner and threw it up in the air making it land on it's feet. I just *sighed*... and said OK. Could have been done with some grace maybe?

Was this the same party when E was using one of my chairs to bounce forwards. While laughing hysterically. Luckily that chair is not broken. Because I like it.

Before E arrived. Someone called C and they talked. And said "Ok, when will you be here? Ok see you". And I asked C who it was. In which he didn't respond. He was like a brick wall. Not even making eye contact. I shouted louder "Who was it? Who is coming?". No answer just blank stare on the TV. I started to get irritated.

Then E arrived.

I was hoping for a calm party. One of those. Where you can sit down. Drink your beer and talk to each other. And maybe say. Hey anyone one wants liqeur and coffee and cake. Or something else sweet like conjac or something like that. It is good. But no.. no no no no. That is for old men. You have to turn atleast 40 or maybe 50 before you can do something like that. But why? I like it. It was my birthday. I didn't want my sofa upside down and a bag och chips exploded on the floor. I never wished for that.

The day after, nobody wanted coffee or cake. They just wanted to go home and leave the cleaning job for me. I don't remember anything else from that party. Just the miserable stuff. But I wonder if they had any fun. I didn't.

I wonder what all that was for. All that miserable behaviour at my place. Did I ever behave like that at theirs? I don't know. I don't care about that anymore anyway.

However, the rules are very different when E is having a party. There is food and coffee and cake and no exploding bags of chips. It is going to be fancy and cosy and calm.

When it is time to eat. Everyone stands in line and take food. Nobody complains about the food. Nobody dares to say things like "this looks disgusting". And if there is time for coffee and liqeur that is 100% ok. Nobody can come to E's party and say, yeah I'll come later I'll just grab some mcdonalds first. Im hungry like hell.

No. Hell you don't.

I don't care so much about that now. Or I don't care at all about those things actually. Because I will never have another party. And I will never go to another party. I have stopped drinking alcohol. And that feels great.

I always wanted to have a party were I make some food and have a pleasant calm time.

But this is also impossible. Because I cannot do that. E have a view on me as standing underneath him and his girlfriend and his perfect life.

So it might sound "hey we can come over and do tacos or something". Meaning that they will use my kitchen to make tacos for us. OK. That is nice too.

But the thing is. I would like to be in that situation for once. When I can feel like an adult and invite people to my place and make food for them. But if you gonna do that with E, you need some other kind of higher status. I can't come home to E and say, hey I can come over and make tacos or somerhing for you.. you see? 

Because he has a girlfriend and is at a much higher level.

There are plenty of recepies that I always wanted to share with people. But people don't have that view on me. They don't want my food. It is actually the same with my father. I can't cook for him. He cannot take that.

I have had one friend that I've cooked for several times. And she enjoyed it, she even said I was good at it. So I am happy enough. I have done that, I have had someone enjoy my food that I cooked for someone. I don't need more now. My other friends missed my cooking skills. It is their loss really.


  1. Låter som någon vill.göra sig rolig på andras bekostnad och hela tiden vill ha full uppmärksamhet. Barnasinnet är ju alltid bra att ha kvar som vuxen, men inte för att vara nedvärderande och en mobbare. Synd att du har haft dessa negativa upplevelser med de som du kallar vänner. Hoppas verkligen ni har haft några trevliga stunder också ibland. Inga människor är ofelbara och vi kan inte älska alla. Livet är verkligen inte rättvist ibland och det är hemskt att du ska behöva tänka som du gör. Men om du kan så fokusera bara på de människor som du anser gör dig gott. Även om de inte är många så är dom det viktigaste.

    1. Jag vet att jag klagar mycket på dom. Vi har haft roliga stunder också! Men ibland kommer det in i mitt huvud alla dessa jobbiga gånger. När jag känt mig nervärderad, och de har bara vara allmänt jobbiga. Det är aldrig något jag pratat med de direkt om, för det går lixom inte. Jag har försökt göra det nångång, men de har alltid svar på mina klagomål som om att jag borde inte klaga alls. Men jag måste få det ur mig på något sätt. Och så det råkar hamna här i min blogg.

    2. Det är klart att du ska lätta ditt hjärta med jobbiga saker om du känner att det känns bättre efteråt. Men det verkar som att dina vänner inte själva tycker att de är jobbiga, och inte märker att de sårar, eller så tycker de att det är helt ok att göra det. Men sånt finns det alls ingen anledning att acceptera,.Var rädd om dig.