Sunday, 16 August 2015

Eternal life and other thoughts

I got this random bible verse today... And it boosted a very long thought process. So I will just write down whatever flows through my mind.

John 6:47 ()
47 Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes has eternal life.

When I was 5 or 6 years old, I was thinking often about death. I remember thinking what would happen if I was ran over by a car. I remember thinking something about how much that could hurt, and what happens when you die. So I wanted to have superpowers. Like Superman. That would be good because then I couldn't get hurt and I could also handle bullies and help others. But another thing, actually being someone that people liked to be with, and hang out with. I often felt invisible. And I was physically weak, a perfect bully victim.

I also thought, at that time that I didn't want to die, it seemed horrible. But this would change to the opposite later when I saw a movie. Appearently my understanding of eternity at that age was at a point where I understood that eternity doesn't have an ending, logical and simple. There could be a beginning, but no end. And that living for an eternity seemed like a nightmare. I mean, what if I get bored? What will I do when I have seen, experienced everything there is to do. What will I do then?

I had seen a movie. I think it was called Death Becomes Her. They had a potion drink or something that would make you immortal. The movie was really a comedy. But this idea of eternal life suddenly became horrific for me.
I felt that. It would be much more nice to die some day, than live forever. Because of alot of reasons.

Christians has told me, that this idea comes fron Satan. Satan puts these thoughts in your heads so that we won't belive in Christ/God. So that an eternal life will scare us from beliving in the real God.
But I have found that christians just use Satan as a very good tool that you can pick up and use whenever there is something that doesn't make sense in the bible.

But also, there is this idea that I have. God is so complex that my simple mind cannot understand what is meant by the eternal life after death that Jesus spoke about. So as a believer I have to trust that God is good and has good intentions. I won't get bored in heaven, I wont have the material needs I have now, I wont have any desires for anything really that I have in this life.
But I am still scared of dying, maybe not so scared of being dead. But scared of the actual process of dying, the undescribable pain and panic that comes before it. That scares me alot. ALOT.

If everyone here on this planet would live for an eternity. It wouldn't work. The population would just increase and increase. Until there is no space left on the planet to live on. I figured this out when I was 6 or something. But whenever I would speak with anyone about it, they would respond in a way that I was being stupid. Even some adults laughed a little and said I didn't understand things very good, seriously. I think it was them who didn't understand me to be honest. I've even told this to adults at my age now,  "think about what would happen if everyone lived forever" and they've said that they have not thought about that before. Which baffled me a little.

My brother who is 6 years older than me. Told me when I was 5 or 6, that eventually the sun will get old and expand, destroying earth and all life on it. I told this to kids in school, but they just laughed at me and said I had too much imagination.

Most horrible of all was when I told my teacher this. I don't know if it was in physics in 7th to 9th grade or if it was 5th to 6th grade. What ever... any way there was some discussion or something in the class and I raised my hand and said "But eventually, earth will die too. The sun will die. It will expand and destroy the earth with it and later form a black hole. Not in our lifetime. But it will happen"... And I remember this teacher being so confused, maybe he/she even laughed at me. And then did he/she really tell me that it wasn't true? I actually think he/she did.
I actually think he/she even laughed about it, and asked me who had told me this. Making me feel like I had been fooled by some scientology church or something. I didn't answer who had told this to me. But if he/she wanted to he/she could have watched any science program on TV,, disvocery channel or any thing like that.

I was really upset about this. That my response wasn't being taken seriously. When it is based on real scientific facts. I got bad grades in physics in school.

I remember that there was a question in a test once about life on other planets, something like "Do you believe in life on other planets". So it was a quiestion that didn't really have a correct answer. And I had answered: "If there are so many many planets and solar systems in space. And even if the chances of intelligent or not intelligent life to form is so so small. There might still be a possibility that there could be  life on other planets".

The teacher had written a questionmark on my answer and gave me zero points. I might have misunderstood the question? But at the time I didn't understand why he gave me bad grades. He came with it to me and asked me to explain it. And I was confused because it made perfect sense for me.

Yeah, so back to eternal life again...

So what God means about eternal life is a mystery to me. Ofcourse, I understand that it can not be eternal life in this world we live now. But somewhere else where eternal life would work.

So yeah, what if everyone on this planet had eternal life. What would we do once the earth and sun dies. Just floating around in space constantly suffocating for an eternity.

No, it must be a law of nature. Everything must die. Otherwise nothing would work. There is a constant natural recycling process going on.

I know, I am not a 100% a convinced christian beliver. It is too difficult for me.

I love when I studied electronics engineering in school, and I was reading in in the books or being at some lecture or doing some excercise. I could sometimes get this *Aha* or Eurika moment, where I see that the math and the theories from different areas, magnetic fields, electrons, radiation etc etc.. fits together.
And doing the experiments to prove it was the most fun.
I hated math in school before I went to the university. I never got my grades in math actually. It wasn't until I got to do math outside of a classroom environment, alone, by myself that I discovered that math was really very fun. Otherwise I would never have been able to get a degree in electronics engineering.

It was so fun too see the numbers fit together and being correct after all those pages of formulas that it took to solve some problem.

At the time I was studying electronics engineering I wanted to have all this electroincs equipment at home, because back then my mind was filled with motivation. I wanted to sit in the lab and experiment for hours and hours, long into night if it was possible. And not get interrupted by teachers and other things. The lab time we had was too short.

But now when I got all this stuff at home.  I don't know what to do. I can't really find inspiration.

So yeah....

I am buying some more songs on Rocksmith. I think that the mix of genres is quite narrow. It is called "Rock"-smith ofcourse. But anyway.
Would be fun if they had some Pink Floyd. That is not maybe the easiest kind of music to play. But anyway.

So far my mastery in Blitzkrieg Bop is the best. Then comes Paint It Black. Something around 70%.

I took some oxynorm for the pain.. and now I can't focus my left eye properly and I have double vision. I have to look with one eye.

And I keep falling asleep when doing things. My mind drifts off in a totally different direction.. My coffe is getting cold. Need to heat it up.
Actually, just thinking about coffe gives me a little positive boost.
Seriously. I keep falling asleep constantly now. I somtimes can't notice the difference between reality and dreams. I can go into a sleep process and keep writing anyway, then dropping my phone and see that I have written random letters.

I shake my head and try to wake up. Works  little bit.
I also can't let go of ny ESD mat installation. I have to, HAVE to make sure that it works like it is suppsed to. I can write about that too for ages. Must have sat here and written this for several hours now.. I was supposed to play Rocksmith.

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