Tuesday, 11 August 2015


I often Wonder how much time do I have left.

(I have eaten a few oxascand now. And I am randomly just falling asleep, without really notice it)

It worries me when the doctors say that 'It was a good decision of you to say you don't want any treatment'... Because of the time I have left will be of much better quality.

I get stuck on that part "the time you have left". What is that time, how much is it. Nobody knows. Will I live to see Star Wars Ep7. Or the Nintendo NX. I don't know. It worrries. Or how old will my sisters daughter get. I was so much looking forward to see ger grow up, what kind of person will she be, what kind of interests will she have.

I am still  eating apricot seeds. Do they do anything? I don't know.

Got a short dose of radiation therapy, hope it will do some good.

But how much time do I have to do all these things that I love doing. There are a few things in my "bucket list" that I have already done. And I don't know how I can express how happy I am that I did those.

I am so happy that I got like an impulsive decision to go to Japan in 2014. During spring with Sakura flowers. I wanted so badly go ever since my uncle talked so much about his trip to Japan that he did in the 80's I think.
And me, being the Sailor Moon and SNES RPG nerd that I was. I wanted to learn to speak and read japaneese, tried to get help from school on that without any result. Anyway Japan was #1 for me.
I wanted to do my thesis work in Japan when I studied bachelors degree in electronics, but I was a little bit to scared, didn't have a clue how to get things in order to make that a reality.

Something happened in my teenage years. I self diagnosed it as social phobia. I coulnd't do anything, go by bus or train. Or eat dinner when visiting friends after school. I got this panic in me, panic that made me throw up. I had to run away and puke before going on a bus. And also sitting there being very very nervous during the whole trip, being afraid that I might need to puke some more. It usually happened in situations that I couldn't control, or putting myself in new situations and non-familiar places. That would trigger some sort of panic in me. I puked for a while, and then I felt more relaxed for a while, but the panic often came back.

But I also couldn't eat dinner with my family anymore. I sat infront of the computer in my room eating. That felt like a safe place to be. I still cannot understand why.

So, while kids in my age and even younger started to travel on their own, Amsterdam and London etc. I was too terrified to take the bus to Gothenburg, which kids my age started to do when they were 13.

I never went to any therapy for this. I read about it online. Started doing meditation every time I would feel that panic. Trying to clear my mind, it worked some of the times. But what I think worked best was just forcing myself to do things.

I've worked on that for years and years. Having presentations in front of people when I studied in school. Was forced to do some travels with work to spain and italy.. etc etc. I just had to do these things, eventually that feeling of panic was not so strong anymore. I can almost certainly say that it is gone.

There is this hacker festival in Holland every 4th year. I heard about it in 2001. And it seemed so cool, you could meet peope like John 'Captain Crunch' Draper, or Eric Corley from 2600 magazine. Julian Assange was there some time for a speach.. But what interested the mostly was the kind of people that come to events like this and all the cool projects that they show. I did ofcourse not have the curage to go any year, 2001 was too late. But I thought I could work on myself to go in 2005, and I actually bought a ticket for the event. But I had no idea how to do the rest of it, getting there... And I think most important howto get back home again, I had no idea.
But no, so I lost some money there. But I always thought, at least I supported something I think is good :)
And  I did not go in 2009 either.

But in 2013 (also after my first cancer in 2010). I decided to go, no matter what. I booked a hotelroom to stay in Amsterdam a few days before the festival. Then there was a train into the middle on "nowhere" called Alkmaar. The festival attandees had arranged their own little shuttle busses that took you to the camp.

Everything went smoothly, not once during this I felt this panic, need to puke. I felt free. And the camp OHM2013 was one of the best things I have done in my life. Seriously, I can almost consider living like that. With all these people around with the same interests and hobbies as me, and so much to learn.

Anyway, I did eventually go to Japan aswell. I built up my selfesteem and selfconfidense to do it alone. Get all the tickets and hotelroom and railpass, and never really felt worried about it. I went during sakura blossom in spring 2014.
I did plan a pretty tight schedule so, sure I did miss alot of stuff that I wanted to see and do. But it doesn't bug me at all, not at all. I am so happy I decided to go. I had no idea at that time that it was in the last second. Because the day after I came home, they had to take a biopsy in my cheekbone because of some strange findings there.

Also made me wonder. Why did I get that sudden impulse to go in 2014. I could have simply thought, nah I want to wait s year and maybe save some more money. But no, I was certain that 2014 was the year to go. And everyhing was against me, it felt like. On the exact same day my plane was leaving from Landvetter. Lufthansa decided to strike, so my plane was canceled.  But I have decided to go. I had been loooking forward to this. I just bought a new ticket, a little bit more expensive. The new plane was delayed and I was stuck in Amsterdam because I had missed the plain to Japan. They found a new route for me. If I was lucky,  There were empty seats on a plane from Paris directly to Tokyo. And I got it and I was finally in Tokyo. What a strange feeling thag was. And the first thing i notice is how clean it is everywhere, no cigarette butts or chewinggum on the street or floors. Wonderful, I loved Japan.

I got my money back for the canceled flights some weeks later.

So, I have those two, hackerfestival and Japan. And was even possible to squeeze in a trip to Turkey/Jordan and Israel in there. I must say that I am happy with my life. I don't feel like I need anything more. I've gotten all,  or even more thay I wished for. Even if I missed  few things in Japan. It doesn't matter.
Now I want to relax. I want to spend my time at home. I am done with travels. Maybe if I was fully healhy I would go to Japan again I don't know. But it doesn't matter now.

I would hate if something happened so that I was forced to be in the hospital. I can't play my guitar, my games, my electronics. I hate being at the hospital. It is almost like being in jail...

This was a long post. Soon I need to go to the doctor and talk about that brearhing tube in my neck.

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