Hi. I have been writing a little bit about my cancer (osteosarcoma) in a previous post. This was the first time I started talking about it more openly. I explained in that post that I also had cancer in 2010, but I never really spoke about it with anyone.
I want to have a daily, or almost daily update about the progress here. But also I still want to write about technical stuff and other hacks I love doing on my spare time as I have done before. And now, I got so much spare time that I even feel sometimes that I am loosing my motivation. I get a lot of medication to help me for anxiety and depression. It does work a little. If I don’t eat too much of it so that I get double vision :) I still need to work on my motivation, it doesn't come automatically.
I woke up this morning breathing very strangely. It did not scare or worry me at that moment. I was so confused and just tried to figure out what happened. I was afraid the tumour had grown over night and blocked my throat. But I could breath. I just had to spit out something from my mouth. I spit it out in my hand and it was like a large blood filled blob. It made me scared that I had bled a lot during the night and looked everywhere in my sheets and pillows, but I saw nothing. So that was good. Then I used something called "cyklokapron" to help stop the bleeding. It has worked every time. I think the same medication have different names in other countries.
I am also a little worried that I have become addicted to OxyNorm (morphine type painkiller). But I don't want my doctor to know about it. Im afraid he will not let me take it on my own, or will prescribe smaller packages of it. I must have taken 100mg yesterday spread out over one day. And I do take it whenever feeling the slightest pain, I dont take it just to get high, it doesn't work that very well as a drug I think. When addicted I feel I need to take more and more of it to have any good effect. I have decided to take smaller and smaller doses and eventually nothing after a while. Unless I am in so much pain that I cannot handle it without strong painkillers.
I have had this routine to watch one anime per day every morning. I bought like 40 or 50 movies on dvd and a few blu-ray. I am not a big Anime nerd. I wanted to watch anime in my teenage years. But bying anime here in Sweden was among the most expensive and hard to find among all movies. Today however, all the movies I bought cost like 5 or 10 SEK, I guess 1 to 2 USD. I had a small break from my daily anime for a while because I lost motivation. I felt I had some more motivation today. Some of the better anime I've seen has been of the lowest quality, dubbed to Swedish, looks like a transfer from VHS with those screwed sounds that overused VHS tapes could have :) probably just nostalgia, but I love nostalgia. Some of the movies i lost interest in the middle and could not keep watching, the story often gets too complicated.
Some of the movies I watched that I liked was Leda, Cowboy Bebop, Tokyo Godfathers, Ken: The Great Bear fist, and Metropolis was probably my favorite over all of them. But I have seen Metropolis before long time ago. Other movies seemed very good, but I had a hard time getting into them like First Squad, Memories, Tekkonkinkreet, Legend of the Millennium Dragon and Steam boy. All of these movies was in a box, except Leda and Ken. All of those movies had very high quality, so 9 movies at a very good price. :)
I was thinking about watching Blood: The Last Vampire this morning. But I fell asleep and now I don't feel like it.
That is one problem I have, is motivation and getting this joyful feeling of wanting to do something. Although I know motivation doesn't come automatically. I need to work on it. I don't want to spend my time forcing myself to do things of course. But just do things that I enjoy doing. And some days I don't feel like doing anything at all, I miss that joyful feeling.
Having this routine to watch an anime every morning felt good for a while. Because I had something positive to look forward to. Otherwise, my future looks pretty dark at this moment. I am afraid of what can happen, the tumour is growing, and sometimes bleeding. The apricot seeds doesn't really seem to help at all. But I will keep eating them anyway. The thing is, OxyNorm helps me get this joyful feeling, even if it for a short while. It works. But I really really try to take it only if I am in pain. When I explain this to doctors they don’t understand. They only know about the common side effects, when I say I get happy and talkative after a dose of OxyNorm they seem to get confused like "that is not possible", because it is not among one of the side effects? I don't know. However I am going to take much smaller dose next time I feel pain, because a smaller dose works. And never take it to get "high".
And I think I will skip my morning anime today. A cup of coffee usually boosts my motivation a little. I never continued playing Battlestar Galactica yesterday. So I might do that instead :)
And I need some more Rocksmith practice every day also. I need to concentrate on what I can do now, and not worry about the future.
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